Rules to a life on Earth

       There are several rules that apply that can give you a boost in life. Notice I did not say a perfect life or a easy life because these things are not of this world. From our youngest ages we are told rules to live but, "don't touch that" or "share" and of course "do not tell a lie". I think the last one given is the first one we forget. We learn these rules when we are very young and then we are tossed out into the world (what we call Kindergarten) or the very first years of school, It is here we learn the structure of who's who on the playground and who you can whoop and who you can't. You learn the social structure of school who is cool and who is not also who is a geek and who is not. We survive in this world under this until around 18 years old.. It is here where the 50/50 rule comes in. fifty percent will continue to live by the schools well taught system and of course the fifty percent who learn to accept (or a least ignore those who bother us).
     Then we enter the adult world and find out there are still about 10 percent who still follow the school taught rules and the rest begin to learn the rules of the real word. Now it is usually here we finally get to pick our own path in what we want to learn. Some go the way or the world. They learn to be cunning and deceptive at work and to backstabbing our way to the top. We sleep eat and go out with only those who will get us ahead. We cheat on taxes cause everybody does it and and how to get around all the things we don't want to do. We under these rules really live in a world of mistrust and suspicion and we often find that our life is perhaps the most unhappiness on Earth. These people often learn to be those who become rich and bitter and most unhappy with themselves as they do not like what they see in the mirror. This is not the way God wants us to be so lets look at some lessons we can learn to be a little happier in this life so when we look in the mirror we perhaps see (although incomplete).
     My first example will of course be Jesus he was a prime example of love for all men and true obedience to his Father in Heaven. Right behind him will come Mary our ever virgin who taught us what real faith was, Now for some of these you may agree of disagree with so without further fan fare. we shall now set our sites on others. One of my favorites is St, Terese (little flower) she declared that her service was to serve God in the little things. She smiled all the time and was one to do any chore no matter how strong and serve it up to Christ. St Bernadette and Padre Pio both with a faith so child like they were often criticized for such a uncomplicated and simple belief.
     There have been those among the saints and others who have been attacked, subjected to torture  and hate and scorn. Yet they have carried these torments without complaint or displeasure. Instead they carried these in joy for they knew that in these ways of carrying their cross they were becoming closer to what meant everything to them, Christ. All of these people had given up on the world and separated themselves from it and served only Christ who to them was more important than a thousand worlds. The average American household contains: 3 televisions, 2 telephones, 2 cars, 2 computers, 2 children, 2 pets and on average a home that is worth on average 250,000 dollars. Worldly goods will keep us out of Heaven and if we have to rely on getting in through the eye of the needle we are in for some issues. Yet all these Saints and great believers realized what is difficult to realize, that all these are temporary things and will not stand the test of eternity. Christ and our treasures in Heaven should be what we seek. The heavenly dream not the American dream!
     Now it may seem hopeless in the midst of all this to ever believe you will go to Heaven, But thanks to God's mercy we are not lost for as our bodies do as we do not want them to do and our minds wander and dream throughout worship or prayer God knows our weaknesses and showers a unending supply of Mercy and grace as well as forgiveness upon us. When we go to reconciliation Mass we are freed of our sins and given us access to his presence once more. The only condition is that we are truly repentant and vow to try and never do these again. The additional benefit is we are allowed to take part in the Sacrament of Communion. Most know that this is where we as Catholics experience the very essence and presence of Christ. This portion of the body of Christ is so precious that only a Priest may prepare it and through the power of Christ. It is still forbidden for a regular human (non-Priest) to even touch lest it be desecrated. Now I know that Communion in the hand is authorized and in the earliest years of the Church was practiced 390 AD was practiced as described by Cyril of Jerusalem. So I have no issue with this. I personally will not take the Eucharist in the hand as I feel that I am farthest of all worth to touch the body and blood of Christ.
     So what can you do here on Earth to build up treasures in Heaven. It may seem complicated but it is not. It is however very difficult for so,e including myself. First you must renounce this world and take no place in it. Keep all virtues as well as Commandments a part of your daily life and follow them. Strive not for knowledge but be content in all trials and difficulties. Call upon Christ often during these times for help and his protection to bring you through. Avoid all Mortal sin and attend The Mass of Reconciliation often. Remain humble in all things especially in serving others. Do these things for the glorification of Christ. Accept no rewards or praises for anything you do in service to Christ. If others speak of you cruelly let it not hurt or anger you, for this is a sign you are still attached to this world. Remember in all things you are but dirt and dust. Do not try to consider who is holier or even who goes to heaven or to Hell. God made us and it is for him to decide and not for any of us to question, for who among us can fathom the ways and judgements of God. Pray always and ask for intercessions as needed, however ponder not who is the greater of the two saints. For by doing this you anger both the saints and God our Father. We may take a step back and say " I could never do that". and doubt our own worthiness to enter eternity in the presence of Good, keep your eyes on his kingdom and know his mercy,forgiveness,love,and glories and blessings are endless.

Father in thy passing among us
do not forget us
When we stand before you on judgement throne
search our hearts and know our desire to be with you
remember our weakness and cast aside our sin
For you oh Lord know our hearts and minds
You know of our deepest desires and our failures.
Rescue us oh Lord from ourselves
strike down in us our love for this world
and our selfishness as we constantly follow
these two roads to sin. Help us Lord to seek you kingdom and no other
Grant us your peace Lord as we fight the battles
with the evil one and stand by us when we are weak.
And at the end of our time embrace us oh Lord as one of  your own.
Amen
God Bless.

Posts may get a bit irregular over the next couple of weeks I will be in Colorado seeing my Father and praying it will not be the last time.

What will you do for a klondike bar? or yourself for that matter.

     If you ask 100 people what is the best way to understand Catholicism you are likely to get 100 different answers. Some will tell you to read the Gospels, others will say study the old writings of St Jerome or St Augustine. Others will say follow the Leco Divina or meditation on the words of Christ.. Some say follow the Ten Commandments and as you become more in line with the ways of Christ. Like I say there is a ton.To a new Catholic it can be a very confusing time especially during times of spiritual dryness that we all experience from time to time.
     When I was just starting in my return to Catholicism I was determined to know everything about the faith and how I could be a more demonstrative Catholic and grow closer with Christ and The Blessed Virgin. I immediately went on a shopping spree to purchase all the books I thought I needed. I went hog wild I bought every book by Scott Hahn had written or helped to write. The Ignatius Study Bible, The Douay-Rheims Bible. The instant problem is this. if you buy 37 books on Catholicism you can't read all of them at the same time. In desperation I picked up a copy of Catholicism For Dummies. Not my favorite book I think I would rename it Buy This and You Are A Dummy. To beat the band 37 books 37 ways to become a better Catholic.
     So I knew that reading would not be very functional at home with kids running around along with 6 dogs wanting to know why this book is more important than their tummy scratch time. So Mistake number two I went out and got a Kindle, not just any Kindle but the nine inch screen model that has better memory and can be set to make your coffee in the morning. So what do you do with a brand new Kindle. You buy e-books of course. They are cheaper than the hard cover copies and download in a second. On top of that you can obtain books under the subject of Catholic which is a great help. There are over 1300 books under Catholic and I did my best to buy the majority. The trick to Kindles is as you buy these e-books you can loose track of what you are spending. So at this point I will stop because in my fervor to be a better Catholic I tallied up quite a bill.
     So I had over 90 books total and still no greater understanding of how to become a better Catholic. It was at this point that one of those spiritual dryness time came. With no defense and no plan for these times I was buried in the tidal wave. Soon the opinion of yourself and your attempts to be a better Catholic fails you and it is at this point you feel your worst. The good news is you are humbled by this experience the bad is allot of Catholic quit at this point. Many go to one of the many "Don't Worry Be Happy Churches". One stop salvation shopping at it's best. You almost can see the Wal-Mart sign in the parking lot. Buy here and get instantly saved no matter what you do later. While I did not go to "The Church of Fuzzy Bunny Hugs". By the way if you do go to one of these churches remember if you smell carrots and don't see any around you, it's just a bunny fart. I'm not picking on these churches in a bad way I leave their Dogma alone but I can't resist a little humor about them as we all poke fun at each other in one way or another. However not always the bunny hug church here attacks Catholicism constantly. It could be that the Pastors parents are Catholic. His Father was a 4th Degree Knight and his other three brothers are all strong Catholics. Needless to say there has to be a chip on the shoulder somewhere.
     Finally I got tired of flopping around and came up with the answers that worked for me. First yes study the four Gospels but concentrate on what Jesus said and did and meditate upon his passion often. Also remember the words of our Mother Mary never has a faith been so pure. Second drag out you Catechism of the Catholic Church read it word for word and reopen the joy you had at being introduced to the Church all over again. Now here if you want you can also use the Baltimore Catechism. I don't recommend it as a first step but it does represent the Church before Vat II. Pick up a copy if the Imitation of Christ read this slowly and learn from it. If their is a better road map to getting closer to God second to the Bible I don't know one. It looks at things step by step and breaks it down for you. Finally Pray,Pray and Pray. God enjoys hearing from us and likes a little conversation. So pray and then spend some quiet time listening. You might be surprised at the result.
all along the way however, if you slip get up ask God's ever present help and then continue on. Never give Satan the victory, he has no ability except to harass you at every turn and get you to a point of spiritual inactivity. It is this he obtains victory,

Until next time God Bless you all and reach for God in all things. Without him you can do nothing, with him you can do anything. Remember the Mustard seed!

A note on at least this apologist

Hey all it is likely my post will be very short today (sorry had to wait for the cheering of the crowd to let up a little). I am a big fan of the web looking up pages on anything Catholic from The Catholic Church Canon to Prayer sites. In my searches yesterday however I ran across one thing that blew my mind. I ran across apologist sites that declare the Holocaust to be not real or fantasy and show a complete lack of support for Israel. In fact these sites actually go to the point of declaring Israel a criminal state as it does us also and declares we should be helping the Arabs toss the Israeli's out into the sea.
   Really???!!! now who ever believes or feels this way ought to have his head examined. I mean they sound like the President of Iran, whats his name aborei'madunce well that is close enough. The Catholic Church is clear upon the principle that we are to respect all faiths and show god's love to everybody including our in-laws. On one apologist site it declared the existence of a world wide Jewish banking conspiracy in which they control all the wealth. Now I am a avid historian and those exact terms were spoken by Adolph Hitler circa 1938. This anti-semantic rhetoric is beyond belief I have had the pleasure of knowing many Jews. They are some of the kindest people I know and to even think of hating a whole race just because they are what they are is sad beyond measure. Having been to Germany and lived in Berlin for four years I found the German people to also be very kind and it is hard to see how a whole society slipped into madness on account of one man is hard to fathom.
     Now had I saw this on just one site I would have said OK homebody's idea of a poor joke. However I ran into 4 such sites and I wanted to puke. Many of these web sites refer to our last 5 Popes to be Anti-Popes to include the Beatified John Paul II. It also goes as far to declare Vat II a conspiracy of Catholic Liberals to bring down the true church and replace it with what we have today according to these sites a church of heresy. If these sites claim to represent number 1 The Catholic Faith and number 2 The apologist function within the church it is no wonder when you say you are a Catholic Apologist some look at you like you came from Mars and others start forming lynch mobs.
     So let us come to a understanding as to what a apologist like me believes. First off I will defend the Priesthood with my life and this includes all our Popes and yes the last four too. I will defend the faith against attacks where ever I find them. Even if The President of Iran aliyabbadabbadoiamaidiot attacks the truth of our faith. I do not look down upon the Jewish faith nor do I stand against Israeli's on the contrary I strongly support Israel. I do not hate the way the Catholic Church is today nor do I feel any heresy exists, my single difference with the church is it having left some of it's most important traditions (that are still on the books to follow). Veiling, certain prayers.certain body movements and certain actions that show a reverence for our Priesthood.
     Vat69 was not a mistake however it was done in such away that the shock of losing the high mass was topped off by lies in the press that were never challenged. This led to a exodus of members of the Body of Christ to other churches or to just stay home and become inactive. We as a Church should NEVER surrender our traditions or our beliefs in anyway. There are other religions that have a much easier route to get to heaven. Accept God and wham your going to heaven no matter what. It is said being a Catholic is hard and I agree it is. But I would never trade my faith just because it is too hard to follow the rules. Finally a Catholic is taught to love each other as ourselves. This includes Muslims,Jews, and any other faith, creed or color you may come across. I still love the Latin Mass and hold the belief that our Priests should take a harder line when it comes to veiling of any other rules that might exist. Yet I would trade that for a Priest who spends his time on the Podium talking about Hell,Purgatory and heaven and how really sinful and unworthy we are.    
     As a Church we must teach truth not fluffy Bunny's hoping down the bunny trail. We need to address sin.piety.humility,cloth,gluttony.Hell (yes it is a real place) and Purgatory (This too is a real place) and of course Heaven. We need to teach our faith not what the people are comfortable with hearing. So I have her declared my desires for the Church and shown what some Neo-Nazi Skinhead believes is the real Roman Catholic Faith. I would never in my life spread lies about another religion even if I knew they were true. We can't go around attacking each other if we want to bring them home to the one true Church.

And just as I promised it is shorter than most. until next time I pray you may find the peace of God in your life and Christ lets his graces pour out of heaven upon you.

It's all about me!

Too often we get in the mind frame of "nobody understands what I am going going through and I have it harder than anybody else". We complain at every little ache and pain or bump in the road of life, If we don't get the promotion we wanted it is because the person who got it is a bottom kisser or a politician or even he or she has done "favors" for the boss. If something does not go exactly like we want it to we often complain or call the manager and belittle the person who made a mistake or speak to the manager rudely to the point of being belligerent. Even after a apology it is not good enough and we are not satisfied until either it is free or we have attracted the attention of everybody in the room. We complain in the summer it is too hot. We complain in the winter that it is too cold. We talk to anybody who will listen how somebody has it better than you. It seem we are never satisfied with what we have.
     Now I have one huge area where I am at my weakest point. I love electronics! Anything that is a electronic man toy I want and am just now coming to grips with this sin within me. Wait did I say sin? Yes I did. Wanting the latest technology in computers,cell phones or e-readers. when you have last years model is sin. It is akin to storing up treasures on Earth and will pull you away from your prayer life and in some ways it can pull you away from the most important thing in your life Christ himself. Now if you had read my posting yesterday I was doing just that when I wanted to trade up from my 6 inch screen kindle for the new kindle with a 9 inch screen. The first one cost me about 300 dollars 90 days ago by the time I bought all the do dads it needed. Then I saw the new,bigger and better Kindle total cost with do dads 450.00 with do dads and no book costs because I transferred them from my old to my new system. Now let us be honest 5 inch more screen and a little longer of battery life is no reason to buy this item.
     Now I justified it by saying well it is easy to read and it can hold more books. Now let me be honest the smaller one was not that hard to read. I currently have 46 books on my kindle everything from The Canon of the Church to several versions of the Douay-Rheims Bible. several books by G.K. Chesterson all the way down to the Summa Theologica. I have enough books on my reader to keep me in reading material for several months. So why did I need more storage? It was a justification of the sin of want and desire not of the things of God but of Worldly goods. So you nor anybody else is alone in the battle of selfish interest and not seeking the ways of God. This is just a small section of the wide spectrum of time when we feel we either have it too hard, did not get what we deserved, received no understandings of our conditions and putting what we want in front of what God wants.
     We all know what God does is for the good always if he is separated from you it is likely a test to see if you are ready to move to the next level of your relationship with him. But all to often we don't see this we pray.beg and swear to become a Priest or Nun if he would come back. Then the mind sets itself to self pity and all to soon nobody understands me. God by what he does always works for the good. He is God therefore he cannot do evil. He uses hard economic times to test and teach us. We don't see that but we complain harder than ever how hard we have it and how nobody understands what we are going through. Soon enough if we do not get out of this frame of mind comes depression pills and anxiety pills. Both because we brought it upon ourselves. Try this, the next time you hit a economic bump and you are having a hard time making your payments on your 3 bedroom home with 4 televisions in it, your two cars, satellite TV and enough food to get you by. Not enough to have the standards of dining you want, but enough to get by. I ask you to either think about or visit El Paso Texas and go to The University of Texas El Paso and stand in the south parking lot and look across the border and see what you see. You will see hundreds of shacks built out of  cardboard with little cooking pipes sticking out of the tops. Every morning these pipes spew smoke into the morning air as breakfast is being prepared and I can assure you it is no where near the quality of food you eat or waste in a single day.
     When we don't get everything just as we want it we complain stomp our feet and talk to whoever you can get a hold of like a dog. If you ever worked in a restaurant you've been on both sides of this one if you never had to work in a restaurant you don't know what that person is facing in their life. Perhaps she is a single Mother who is on her own because she refused to get a abortion like her family wanted. Her child was ill last night she makes minimum wage so she is on medicare and can't go to just any hospital. She got home at 4AM and had to be at work at 6AM afraid to call out sick because she may loose her job. Perhaps it was the man who last night at 11PM got a call that his best friend had been killed in Iraq and he went over to grieve and to comfort his friends parents because they were like Brothers growing up. He never got home he went straight from their house to work. Yet because a cherry was missing off their smiley face breakfast they get verbally beat in the dirt. Of course they would love to tell you what is going on but they can't (company policy) and as much as they would love to tell you just where to put that cherry when u get it, they have to just bow their heads because you have some issue that just made you mad.
     Forgive the term you in this as I do not wish to accuse anybody as acting so. I use it to bring it into perspective so that if one day you are in the situation you may catch yourself and show more of God's love that your anger. Even the day God made for us we complain about it either it is too hot or too cold. We want to move out of the state that we live in and move to another state either because we like it there better or we can escape some problems by moving. Often although we claim the first the real reason is the second. We want what we don't have and have no use for what we do. There is the point of it all. We go to Mass and listen to statements time after time how God gives us all we need and we nod our heads like those little bobble head dogs you see in car windows. It leaves our heads just a second after we hear it and it is gone. We thank God for little in our lives yet complain about almost anything. Is our generation so selfish that we have forgotten who gives us all good things and declare them not good enough for us.
     My wife always gets upset with me at restaurants because if the order is not right I don't complain. I just eat it as is and I am happy. The only time I will remind my server is if a drink or a main meal is missing. However I am NEVER rude. It is number one against my nature (thank heavens I fall way to short of  God's path than to have another issue added) number two I have been there restaurant work is difficult and the average waitress or waiter in a Denny's or IHOP or Village Inn make (unless they have a law like New Mexico) make just over 3 dollars a hour because the Government says they make the rest on tips to make up the difference between that and minimum wage.
     One of the first and hardest things to do is to give up what we own and be happy with what Christ has given us. I read somewhere that God destines some to be rich and others to be poor. The poor ones are blessed as they never have to deal with the issue of wealth. Now when I say give up what we own I mean it in the terms of not giving inn to our desires for possessions as it is not likely anybody could sell all he owns and have his family on the street. I often think back to that 398 dollar Kindle and hang my head in shame. 328 Dollars could have done allot at a battered woman's home or at a rescue mission or to buy groceries for somebody in need. We have to learn to thank God for ALL things good,bad or indifferent. For what seems a horrible situation to us is really a test and if we just thanked God for the hardships, and meant it much greater rewards await us after the hard time passes.
     It is a old saying in our home that no matter how bad things get Christ has never let us down. I want to share with you a true story about a true miracle. It was the day I learned that giving thanks in hard times lead to larger rewards one the test passes on. It was a Sunday and I was at Mass we were excited because the travelling Out Lady of Fatima Statue was at our Parish that day. The Mass was great and the procession was even better. I wanted to take some time to pray to our Lady of Fatima so I waited in line for my turn. During this time both my wife and I were awaiting our retirement to be finalized and money was tight. We had no money for milk,bread,butter we were flat broke and two months behind on the house and we had a week till we got some money in and all we had to eat was beans. Realistically we could have pulled through it would not have been easy but it could have been done. My turn came to kneel and pray before Our Lady of Fatima which I did. However my prayer was a prayer for thanks and not for what I needed. I thanked her for her intercessions and for all the great things her son had done for someone as insignificant as I. I thanked her for my great wife and kids my puppy dogs and for the joy I felt in my heart everyday. I then got up and left and expecting nothing more, My wife got up early that day and went to her computer and checked our bank account. She nearly gave me heart failure as she screamed to the top of her lungs. Our account didn't have the 2,98 she expected but instead had 15,002.98. With no letter of acceptance or any other kind of notice my wife's retirement annuity had come in. She was retired and we were able to pay everything back up to date and put food in the house. I regard this as another miracle of Our Lady of Fatima. While some scoff at the word miracle I don't. God will never let us down and Christ will do many things for his mother. So weather you think it was or not I hold to the stance it was a miracle.
     So lets all of us try to remember to thank God in all things good, bad, or indifferent. Also if we have had a bad night or morning lets agree to not pass a bad day on to all we come in contact with. I in my very limited mind could never comprehend the goodness,mercy and love of God. It all seems so great to me and when I try to love Christ as much as he loves me I come up way short of the scale. To confront this fact is so depressing to me as I am shown both my insignificance as well as my lack of deserving for all that God does for me. It is said I am not worthy. When I look at myself through my eyes this insignificance shines as bright as the sun. Yet to see myself through his eyes is to rejoice in thankfulness with tears of appreciation at his mercy and grace that seems endless. So if you ever find yourself not being thankful for what God gave you stop. See how you look in God's eyes it will change your day. It will change your week and will change you life.

God Bless

lying is a sin! Especially when we lie to ourselves.

People tend to be a bit touchy in this area because more often than not the habit is so inbreed in our Psyche that we can't admit it. Some are worse than others and some are better than others. It is the same idea about riches in this world God made some rich and some poor each in accordance to his mission in life. Often it goes like this "Mom Mrs. Davis is on the phone about cookies for the RCIA class this weekend". "Dang I don't have time. tell her I am not here. A lie is a sin, and within the Catholic faith we have Mortal and venial sins. However you slice it a lie is still a sin. However we have a amazing capacity to tell ourselves "Well it was just a little white lie". We have taken our sin and justified it or made the offense by our standards less than it is. We go trotting off to Mass and take Communion and bring destruction of ourselves due to the fact that most confession heart exams list a lie as a Mortal sin.
     Why we do this is the question. Is our rebellious natures coming out of hiding or is it deeper? By this I mean could it be that we become more subject to denial in a effort not to recognize our own sins. Therefore we maintain what is to us our perfect record of non-sinfulness. In reality we have brought our record of sins and just keep stacking one upon the other. This in our society is at a epidemic rate beyond all imagination. It is even taught in our schools nobody is wrong and nobody is right. If you cheat on a test it is because issues in your formative years that are just coming home to roost. We see all to often a major public or religious leader get on TV and cry his heart out about how sleeping with a 15 year old girl really is not his fault. He is sick and needs counselling to overcome his weakness. The term sin is never used because he has justified his action by calling it a illness not a sin.
     A Mother kills her two children by drowning them in the tub and presto! It is not murder it is not even sin instead it is depression caused by her recent child she gave birth to. These stories run the gauntlet from A to Z and always are due to a illness be it mental or physical or we did it because we could not avoid it from happening. Let you and I be honest with each other. Have you ever been in a situation where you could not avoid sin? If you say yes you might want to rethink your answer even if attacked you could run away. The real problem is if you or I say there was no way to avoiding sin in this situation we have done what we have learned so readily to do. We denied our sin and then justified it so it was no longer sin. In the process we have also made our old enemy Satan very happy.
     Actions however are not the only thing we justify. I mean here you are sitting in Mass and it is running a little long due to the Priest being a little long winded. You think rats! Here it is 11:30 and the game started at 11:00. Man I really want to know what my Cowboys are doing in this game. Dang to close up front to turn on my cell phone and check out the web. Man I cannot believe this guy is still talking! Now finally Mass has ended and you have just broken the world record 100 yard dash so you can find out the score of the game. You dash by your friends who were attending the Catholic Mass for the first time and wanted to ask you a question that confused them. You then vault over three little old ladies in their walkers. trample two children because that score is more important to you than the Mass you were attending. You left early right after Communion and left your friends think that at Mass you don't want anybody to know you know them. Come Monday morning it is all the talk how the Cowboys lost in the last seconds of the game and you spend all Monday getting teased about your team. The incident at Church? Forgotten by 6PM after a dinner and a beer. What makes the saddest of all you have just put a football game over God and never admit to yourself that sin. If you don't figure it out sometime soon and you are called home, You wind up in Hell over a football game. Sound too fantastic to believe? If football season happens this year keep your eyes open.

     It is hard to imagine this happening but it does daily and we don't even think it is a sin because we know how they should act and dress in Mass. And look they don't even put anything in the collection plate! What is their problem? They are not the problem, it is the one who is judging them that is the problem. There is one thing however one thing I am positive of. Jesus hears their prayers well ahead of theirs and offers them more graces than you can imagine. Did I just judge? No because by Jesus own words what I have said is true. There is a reason why in the book An Imitation of Christ it says to say as little as possible because if we talk less we sin less. This is not a overstatement but a statement of fact. If we guard out tongues and minds sin cannot get at us but we must be on guard at all times. I can say to you in all honesty I love the book An Imitation of Christ even though it clearly shows me the many many miles I have still to go before I would ever reach a point of possible going to spend eternity with Christ. If you don't own one get one and read it. You see allot of yourself in there and it is eye opening, but someday when you reach Heaven you may just think to yourself "Man I am glad I read that book". Be kind and giving to one another and I wish a blessing to all who read this upon their homes and families.

God Bless
    

Trusting in God above all things

First let me offer my deepest condolences and prayers for those in Norway who lost their lives and for those wounded as well as the families. It is a sad event in our time that some despicable pigs target children in a war of ideologies. It would be great as some suggest to sit and talk but these people are taught to hate at birth and sadly only understand killing and force. I realize that the Churches opinion lies in the hope of talks and peace, It is hard to believe this to be realistic as I believe this is a war of religion and not political beliefs if you will it is akin to the crusades with a 21st century twist.
     In a world where pornography,terrorism,child abuse,abortion and hatred seem to rein supreme over all things it is sometimes difficult to remember that it is Christ who reins over all things and always had and always will. One of the reasons I began this blog was to maintain some sort of unknown status so that pride will never become a factor. In the world in which we live it is difficult to maintain humility or even piety as when you do something it is often recognized verbally as well as openly praised almost right away. This may not have been your original reasons for doing a good deed but if there is no praise there is always a tiny spot in your mind that wonders why. If you are praised and you refuse to accept the praise or award you become quickly accused of being prideful anyways because you seem stuck up to a point.
     So what kind of things can you do to serve God and still retain total animosity. Skip a meal a day. This act if every person were to do it and did not waste any food what so ever could in fact feed millions across this land and around the world. This year our Government spent 2.6 billion dollars to teach Chinese prostitutes to drink more responsibly. This is no joke it did happen and sits on many sites that describe wasteful spending. How many homes could be built and sold at a lower or even a no profit cost to our homeless veterans or to a single parent who chose life over abortion of their child. I cannot put a price on one life but I can say that their is nothing more important to me that one life. This year our Government spent 46 billion dollars to upgrade it's employees plane tickets from coach to business class. To make matters worse it is against the rules to upgrade a ticket from coach to business or first class seating yet it still is done everyday. What happens to those who break the rules nothing, It is one of many areas that is given a silent wink and a nod.
     So what could be done for the good of humanity with 46 billion dollars? I really do not have a answer but I am working on one as when God asks why a nation he blessed with so much gave so little. In our country we eat more, use more fuel. use more resources and have the fewest programs or ideas how we might save some of these for the future. Now I know I sound like a Socialist or a Liberal of some kind but trust me I am not. I am Conservative as that I will support no candidate who supports abortion and after four years if they didn't at least try to bring abortion to a end, out they go!
     So you might be thinking right now what does this have to do with trusting God above all things. Well let me enlighten you. Right now many thoughts are on the possibility of our country defaulting on it's debt. How did we get here? If you look at certain wasteful spending practices have allot to do with selfishness rather than helping people. Upgraded plane ticket charged to the taxpayer cha-ching 46 billion down the tubes. Putting more sand on our beaches ch-ching 3 million tax payer dollars gone.
These are done for very selfish reasons. Beaches erode they have to have sand. They had sand long before we got here and it is safe to say they were eroding then. God had control of that. 46 billion dollars for a extra six inches of space this alone is selfish beyond compare. We got here in this crisis that is all over the news and people are freaking over due to selfish desires. A Congressman introduces a bill to study if puppies can fly for 36 million dollars. The company who tries to study this says they need three years to figure it out so it becomes 108 million dollars. What does the congressman get? A fat juicy contribution to his campaign and a consulting job after he leaves office for 30 million a year.
     We want comfort because it pleases us. We do not put a end to it because it is as much a part of our society as baseball. The simplest of facts is we did not trust God to see to our nations needs we trusted ourselves, and the more comfy we got the more we wanted soon  it was out of control. If we lose our jobs and can't pay bills the first words out of a married couples lips are "What are we going to do?" After that and only after a period of time do we offer it up to God to handle. God does NOT want to hurt us he wants us to get our eyes off of self and on to him. Trusting God in all things means just that, trusting him in all things. A great prayer I read went something like this. Dear God do with me what you will for better or for worse in regards to me let it bring you glory and worship and if it is for the good let me rejoice in you and if it be for evil let me rejoice in that in testing me I grow stronger in you. From 1776 when we won a revolution against all odds to 1861 when we eliminated from this land the crime of slavery. To the great depression when just prior there was money everywhere and all lived well. It soon became a living nightmare as we for the first time began taking our eyes off Christ because intellectuals thought it improper to worship a God that to them did not exist. After years of starvation,home loss and the loss of our creature comforts to include a world war for the second time we finally moved back to family morals and looked to Christ. Then came the 1960's and the cheer went God is dead and our society was locked in a death grip struggle over many things to include abortion, two wage earning parents in the home, kids left to watch TV as it kept them out of underfoot. We took God out of schools,Christmas and anywhere the existed a government function that origins were based on our founding fathers who based their decisions on God.
     We used to begin our day with a thanks to God in all things and judged it to be a good or bad day as to how our crops were doing or how hard we worked at our jobs. Today most don't even that God for what he does for us and we base our day to be good or bad by how much we made, who we messed over or what was on TV. Want to see a man get upset beyond belief and destroy his whole day? Hide his TV remote. He will look and get frustrated and begin to yell in no time at all. Yet as much as our own comforts have climbed to the top of the heap our ability to justify sin has become even greater. Today 80 people (many who were children) died today in Norway due to a attack by a claimed Islamic terrorist group. Norway has never in any way been involved with Iran or Afghanistan yet they were targeted by a group that justifies it as a war against western failures to bow to the Islamic society demands, Stop the world I wanna get off. Lord I know I am deserving of Hell and would consider even Purgatory to be a lucky break. Still no matter your just judgement I say come Lord come.

God Bless

The end of the search part III

So I had planned how I was going to kill them but as I was unable to get on Postal Property to do so. This made things a lot harder as now you would have to get them on route or at home and I really didn't know where they lived. My wife took over the driving as I was told by my Doctor not to drive. I began seeing a Mental Health Councillor as well as a psychologist who administered  two tests. The tests were a PAI and a MMPI these test were supposed to be fool proof so I took it as gospel when the results came in.  As I was told earlier each test showed severe depression, severe Anxiety and one thing I had not counted on. In the mental health world as well as everyday life the hardest thing mentally to deal with is believe it or not a injustice that you have no way to fight back on or even get closure on it. I didn't know it then but it is somewhat like the Military soldier who sees his buddies die. He can't change it or fix it so he gets like a guilt syndrome or a survivors syndrome. This created anger and more and more hatred. By the time you have a clue what is up you have PTSD.
     PTSD can lead to self destructive behavior, marital issues and inability to deal with the world as it is. In other words he withdraws from everything around him and in major cases hallucinations and hearing voices can be included. However the term PTSD is only just getting off the ground and many do not realize it is a permanent condition. It never goes away. It survives off of triggers. We have all heard the stories of Vietnam Veterans upon hearing a helicopter or a loud bang they throw themselves to the ground and either get highly angry of scared to a state of total dysfunction. My medications were increased as I attempted to attack a mail man who had come up from behind me and slapped down some mail on the counter in the store we were in. My wife and 20 year old son had to nearly tackle me as I went into a violent frenzy. These were my triggers Mail Carriers and mail trucks. To this very day I ride in the passenger seat of our vehicle and cover my eyes with a towel to block my vision.
     The symptoms got worse and worse as I withdrew from all things outside my home. In a word I was creating a safe zone. Then in April the condition got allot worse. In mid April I awoke for a sleep in the area of 3am. Never in my life not in this lifetime could I explain the fear I felt. It was paralyzing. I had in my mind at the time one option. I was convinced that the only way to end the terror was to kill myself. I had no idea where I was at. Wanting to escape the fear I took my 9mm out of the drawer and placed it to my head. At that moment I did realize I was in my bedroom and managed to put the weapon down and spend the next 15 minutes trying ti calm down. Once I had calmed down I began to realize just how serious and how deep I was into these issues.
     I spent the next five months having similar panic attacks as well as there was a great deal of treatment by a psychologist,psychiatrist and a mental health counsellor. I still wanted to kill those who had hurt me as well as those friends of mine who turned their back on me. One night in July I kept getting a feeling a steady and strong feeling. It was telling me "Thou shalt not kill". I tried my best to ignore it as that is not what I wanted to hear. By mid July I had given up on the idea of killing these people. The feeling finally left me much to my happiness. However as July went to August I got restless as a new feeling was overcoming me. This feeling was same as the other but it was saying "You have got to go back. I almost knew from the start what this meant or at least I thought I knew. So I packed up the family and went back to Colorado to visit where I grew up to try and find what I was looking for. However I did not find it and returned home disappointed. I knew I could never be healed but I could fond a way to make peace within myself and those who harmed me.
    I began by now a serious historical and traditions orientated study to find God. I was determined as I felt inside it was him I needed most. I studied nearly 3 hours a day and prayed a additional 2 hours. However no matter how I sliced it the same answer came up, the first church was the Catholic Church. Not only that, but as I prayed and studied the Catholic Bible I found that forgiveness,mercy and most of all peace of mind. I decided to  attend a Catholic Church and and asked my family one by one if they wanted to go with me. My first trip there was a little weird as I had forgotten allot of what we were supposed to say. I noticed two things right off the Priest who celebrated Mass was wearing jeans under his robes and there was not a expensive sports car in sight. Something else was there also a feeling of peace.
     I actually feel in love with being at Mass because being there meant peace and a feeling of safety. I soon made a appointment with The Monsignor spoke with me and said as I had already had my first Communion Sacrament I could go to a Mass of Reconciliation and then after a very deep study of self I went to confession and took Communion for the first time in over 35 years. To say I left the confessional crying was a major understatement I had a ton of sin on me and it was now lifted for the first time in forever.I was cleaned and then decided I had allot to learn about the church and 35 years of being away so I signed up for a RCIA class. My family joined me as they fell in love with the Catholic faith almost immediately. Today we are Catholics  who are strong in our faith and ever joyful that we are where we are. We wish to serve Christ in anyway possible. My two oldest sons are third degree Knights in the Knights of Columbus.While I was fortunate enough to get my 4th Degree Knight in June.
It is said the Christ will use bad things to accomplish his will. My wife and I feel firm in our belief that God used allot of bad to get me back where I belonged. As of today I have long since forgave those who hurt me and sought forgiveness for my wanting to kill. The PTSD is still there and as I am told always will be. However I know I am home and want nothing more to glorify God by my words and actions.and bring him honor as I strive to maintain humility in our home. My family is now stronger and The Catholic Church with the help of The Holy Ghost has changed our lives forever.
     To anyone who reads this and still feels separation from God, pray and love and then pray some more you will find the Christ is faithful to be there as soon as he can. How much I have changed could be measured by one event. Avery old friend of mine from Okinawa found me on the Internet, We talked and he decided to come down to see us. He arrived and it was like nothing ever changed, as his wife put it "they looked like they were picking up a conversation from yesterday not 23 years ago. The truth was however I had changed my language my mannerisms and my entire way of life changed. Sadly he expected the very same person 23 years ago. But that person died in Christ and was never coming back. He asked what happened to me and I explained about the Church and he decided to go home early. sadly I have not heard from him since.
     Forgive me for this long three day story but I feel how the prodigal son within us comes to himself and finds his way home is a very valuable witness. God actually does have mercy and grace in abundance and he is waiting for somebody else to come home. I pray he will find the love and forgiveness I did.

God Bless.

a life of sin a life of grace

Once divorced from my first wife I began a search for God. I still had little notion of God but was now was searching all over to fill what I was beginning to feel as a hole in my heart. I began going to a Baptist Church because I had a close friend who recommended the church. I poured some time into the church even being a youth leader. I was respected at the church but it was short lived. I met a young lady who I became "active" with. However the situation was made worse as she failed to mention she was married and her husband was overseas. I did not find out about this until he came home from leave. Needless to say the end came quickly. I went several more months to this church but already had serious doubts. After a while I cried to God to send me someone to love. A week later I met my current wife we have been married for 23 years but not without serious issues.
     I married my wife on May 7 1988. less than a month later I was under orders to report to a new duty assignment in Berlin Germany. I departed in June and my wife followed 2 months later in August. Berlin was a great assignment for both of us we spent four years there and were witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall as well as the reunification of East and West Germany. Early in our marriage due to her upbringing she had incredibly low self esteem. She was reliant on me to do everything. I taught her everything from cooking to laundry As well as how to set up Doctor appointments etc. However I began to resent having to work and run the entire house as my wife could not or was too insecure to do anything. Extramarital affairs would be common for the next 9 years.
     Finally I was tossed out of the Army along with many others due to a draw down of military forces after the German Reunion. Everything I thought was going to be my life was erased in about 30 days. I suddenly had no future no plan and a family to support and no idea how to do it. I arrived in El Paso (where I would call home for a while). I found the job market impossible as knowing the Spanish language was essential and I had no capability to speak or understand it. So every job I found was minimum wage not able to afford a home living with my wife's parents as well as falling behind bills as well as child support my frustration continued to build very fast. However I was still feeling the  hole in myself as God had not yet been found by myself and I kept believing I could fix it I needed nobody.
     About 5 months later my wife's friend came to visit her Mom and ran into my wife. She told my wife how great the job market was in Tennessee and how much better the pay was. We decided to move to Tennessee and try to make a living there. Again when I got there there was not get rich quick jobs. I quickly learned there was two types of people in this environment poor and rich and you stayed where you were as many doors were closed to the wrong social class. However I took a job at a restaurant as a manager in training it did not pay allot but it was better than minimum wage. However again there was no hope of taking care of all that I needed to do to support my family and child support. We were even forced to food stamps as we were between rent,gas,utilities etc we were losing 12.00 dollars a month every month no matter what we did. My frustration grew as did my marital indiscretions. After 7 months we gave up and returned to Texas. I had confessed all the indiscretions to my wife and returned to her parents house which was very tenuous as they knew what happened also. I always considered it a miracle my wife forgave me. It showed me how much of a better person she was than I. I was in the darkest of sin and now came the long slow process to climb out.
     Texas was not the friendly state anymore. Her family had been against our marriage from day 1 and now they would have justification. For me it was a living hell self made. I wished so hard to go back in time and undo all I had done but going back was impossible. However my in laws were attending a Pentecostal Church and perhaps this was what I was looking for. I never had God in my life but I was looking. I went to the Pentecostal Church and was told if I accepted Jesus all I had to do is confess my sins to him and I was heaven bound. Suddenly in my mind Jesus was a great guy I could mess up all I wanted to and I was assured heaven. Given the level sin I was lost in it was a easy way out. However after years I was still somehow unfulfilled as I could never figure out how he would ask money from some very poor people and drive a new car every year.I would not have minded so much if it was a Toyota. But a Lexus followed by a Lamborghini showed me he was in it for the money and I quickly became disenchanted.
     After years of everything going badly for my family as myself. I was pleading to God to hold back his hand of punishment or at least make me the target and not let my family be punished for my sins. In October I took the test to work for the Post Office and I passed with a high score. I was hired in November to work as a Rural Mail Carrier. Finally things began to get better. Working for a better wage gave us the ability to get our own home and vehicle  and furniture. How ever our credit was a disaster after many years of disastrous jobs. It was a job I enjoyed and I excelled in it. I went to work at 7am and got home around 5 pm. Having learned from my sinful past I was home with my family whenever I was not at work. Over time our Marriage became stronger and stronger and we were a close family unit. After seven years I began to have trouble with my knees. This was due to aggravating them at work as that I had already injured them in the Army.
     On September 9 2009 work finally became too painful to continue. I was coming home and having to get off my feet totally after work for the rest of the evening. Finally I reported a work injury and began the long process to get a approval. I was without pay for six months, four months behind on my house, considering suicide as a way out of it. I did not know it at the time but I was severely depressed and had severe levels of anxiety. I finally got a letter they accepted my case on March 1 and was called almost as quickly by the Post Office to begin light duty on March 2. The issue was much more complicated than what ti appeared. I had allot of months to build a large grudge against the Post Office and some individuals in it. I reported to work on March 2 2010 and was immediately taunted and verbally attack. Even my own Brother In Law joined in. This had made me very angry as that I and my wife had helped them many times when they were in need. I reported the harassment and as fast as I reported it. It was swept under the rug. The only people who witnessed this were the people who taunted me and attacked me. As a basic investigation began every witness of course denied all knowledge of the incident. There was a unknown person who called District Headquarters about it but he never came forward. On March 26 I woke up and informed my wife I could not handle the attacks anymore as that now even our home was being vandalized.
     With no psychological defenses due to all I had been through before I had time to form  of hate that turned in to a desire to kill 5 people, I had a plan and even went out and bought the gun. Although I hate the term I was about to go "Postal". When I went for the last time to find out what was being done about my harassment case. I was told nothing could be done because of no witnesses. It made it even harder to take that the supervisor I was speaking to partied with these people who had attacked me. I was at the point of receiving death threats and getting damage done to my house as well as my vehicles on a regular basis. When the supervisor told me nothing could be done my wife who was with me said my entire face went completely blank showing no emotion and worse of all a anger in my eyes that scared the supervisor as I was told to exit off Postal Property. Soon after I was banned for life from any Postal premises. I wanted these people dead, and after having a nervous breakdown in my Doctors Office I was advised to seek professional help. It was here that things were either going to get very ugly or turn around but to me neither mattered I wanted them dead,
Part III tomorrow as the plan unfolds.
    

A life of sin to a life of faith

I cannot explain what brings people around to faith but I can tell you with me it was allot. At age 18 to 31 I had completed 13 years in the military. I had expected to do 20 years but when the draw down came and in failing health I was let go by the Army. During my time in the Army I was assigned in the Military Intelligence field. The job was easy but had two traditions. The first was that we drank. The second was that sexual promiscuity was practiced with a level of grandeur ever seen.
     When you are young from your teenage years to about 25 years older (with some more with other less).  You have a sense of being bullet proof and ten feet tall. Sure you know that if war began you had perhaps 30 seconds to live but inside you always felt not gonna happen to me. While stationed at my first tour of duty which was in Okinawa Japan. I had a ball but there was no thought of the sins you are committing or how much hurt you are causing Jesus. At this point in my life I knew of him but knew nothing about him. Drinking most every night and partaking in sex outside of marriage every chance I got. I was very popular there because I was of the world and living in the world.
     I left Okinawa Japan with many friends some I talk to to this day and others I don't. I was then shipped off to Fort Carson Colorado. I was 21 as well as a Sergent and was exposed to a very different surrounding's. This was one of the units that if war came would be in actual combat unlike in Okinawa where we were a fixed site. The work here was to prepare for war and train to perform in that environment. One of my first problems while there was I was dumped by a girlfriend in Okinawa and rebounded so hard that seven months later I was getting married (note never do this). She by all means was a lovely girl who at first accepted the me that drank,smoked and partied with friends. However after my marriage she became just the opposite. She wanted me to stop smoking,drinking and no more parties. Her family was Pentecostal and although I met her in a bar and that she smoked and partied did not matter. She wanted me to change everything about me. However I was Army proud and resented this sudden demand for change as I believed when she said " I do not want to change you" I took it serious. Two weeks after marriage the subject of divorce came up. Despite this ominous sign we remained married and we were sent to Hawaii. It was at this time she became pregnant and left the military.
     Hawaii was yet another fixed site so discipline was lax and I after having been in a different world for 18 months once again I had trouble adjusting. I was also trying to see things my wife's way. I stopped drinking and never partied so to say the least I was on the very outer ring of the popular crowd. This led to harassment and taunting that were at the least a irritation to me.  To make matters worse my wife got homesick and I had to send her home 5 times. It was on the 5th time she stayed home and when I came home on leave it was constant fighting and threats of divorce. My anger got the best of me one time and I left Idaho where she was at and flew to my home in Colorado, A few days later she called and asked me to come back. I flew back up to Idaho but there was now a unspoken distance between us. My wife apparently had come to the conclusion that a child might glue our relationship together. The second child was a boy and I really loved both of my children but spent more time with my daughter as I really did not know how to interact with a infant. She had the child and soon after went home for good. I got a letter a couple of months later demanding I get out of the Army by any means possible. But by then I was dealing with much more issues that had tragic consequences.
     In December 1985 it was usual that allot of people wanted to go home for the holidays however mission manning would not let everybody go home. I had a young lady in my squad whom I knew as well as her husband they were good people. She came to me and asked for leave to go home Christmas. Her husband was staying due to somebody needing to watch the house and hold down the fort. At first her leave was denied and she was told she could not go home. However she had non-refundable airplane tickets so I got involved and fought and hollered until I was blue in the face. She was given her leave and I told her I would see her after Christmas. With my wife in the states I had returned to some bad habits. Mainly these were drinking and partying. However it was no where near the level it had been before. Hawaii is a town where University kids take spring break. So it is a land of rock and roll and drinking and was definitely for the younger set. I was 24 then and was into as always my country music. I stood out like a sore thumb, so going out was very rare.I was just beginning to try to figure this religion thing out so perhaps I could return  to my wife a total Pentecostal and our marriage would be saved.
CQ's mouth were horrifying. She had been killed in a auto accident in Dallas as she was headed home after a church choir performance. Although the news hit me like a ton of bricks my professionalism took over (I was on auto pilot). I asked if the Commanding Officer knew and was told no. I then called him informing him what had happened. Noe as per protocol he and a Chaplin were to go to her husbands home to provide comfort and spiritual support. What happened only made matters worse. I was told to go over there and spend time with him and make sure he was OK and in the morning I would lead the CO and the Chaplin to where they had lived. My job was finished and I returned to base and tried to sleep. Sadly a feeling was coming over me that I could not identify mainly because I was just too tired to worry about it. Three days after her death I was to deliver her Eulogy at a memorial service held for her in Hawaii. There was a knock at my door as I was informed I was 10 minutes late for this service. I get into my dress uniform and shaved etc in record time and ran for the Church. I arrived and could hear the ridicule in whispers as I walked to the stand. The whispers did not matter as I had finally found why I was so tired. I was in a deep depression and I felt responsible for her death. I fought to get her the leave and she would not have been there to die if I didn't fight to get her leave approved.
    I delivered what my Commander declared the best Eulogy he had ever heard. (He even used it a month later for a friend of mine who had a massive heart attack and died during a PT test). All the whispers of  ridicule disappeared also as many were moved. It came from the heart like I had never written before. I felt responsible for her death and poured my heart into this Eulogy. This also was the first time in my adult life I used Bible quotes during a speech. There were many times I would hear taps played as I got off my duty shift and silently cried to myself, even today it tugs at my heart strings very hard. It was also during this time I told my wife I was not leaving the military until my enlistment was over. I tried to explain what was going on with me at that time but I was told "I don't care". I went through the rest of my assignment on auto pilot. I did all the things I was supposed to do and even more, but inside I was dead there was almost no feeling within me. I really didn't care if I lived or died.
     I was sent to my next assignment at Fort Bliss Texas and my wife and I were on different planets despite my best effort to accept her faith. However there was just something about her faith I did not feel good about and this retarded any progress made in that faith. Ft Bliss was another unit who when war came they would go to war. I from day one accepted and respected as a member of the unit. I knew what I was doing and was not afraid to call it like I saw it. I was given a squad of troops and we formed a great team that respected and even liked each other. However home was nothing like that. I was working late hours and at times worked long hours just to escape another fight. All my life I had hated to argue and fight, I had seen to much of it as my Father (a drinker at that time) and my Step Mother would fight to the point of throwing punches. I did not want any part of this type of life. I returned home one day and my wife sat on the bed I was sitting on and said "I don't think I want to be married anymore". Her Sister had just left for Idaho after a two week stay with us and I figured I was doomed no matter what. However she hung on about a week longer and I could see she was miserable. So I finally told her "I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore". She said nothing but walked outside for about 10 minutes and then stated she was going to sleep on the couch. I said OK a went to bed. about 4:30 Am I awoke and kissed my children goodbye. I did not realize at that time I would never see them again. It has been 24 years since that day I have never seen them since.
     I was hoping for a friendly divorce and sadly did not get it as my now ex-wife was making my life as hard as she could. I found out some 21 years later through a e-mail that she has hidden every letter I ever wrote my children and my son was raised to believe I never wanted him. She was not alone in the reasons for the divorce I was proud and full ego. Nothing came between me and my job as I was dedicated to military service. I was 27 years old with a failed marriage and absolutely no idea except a very vague belief that if I was saved once it didn't matter what I did I was saved and going to heaven and didn't have to worry about a thing. I had fire insurance.

Part II tomorrow


* As stated there is allot of things not too like in my past. you will see more, I ask however that you understand the intent of these postings is to show just how much God can forgive and still bring you back home.

That Special feeling

Hey All,
Have you ever been riding in a car or sitting at home a feel a joy and sense of peace fall upon you that no words could describe. I had spent some time in the Pentecostal faith and was told that the Spirit would come upon me when I needed him and he was a real presence. However I must have been at the wrong bus stop because I never felt anything at all. This in and of itself was enough to drive me crazy! I was told of many cures for this issue. The main one was that I did not speak in tongues. So I gave that a try and the preacher prayed and sweated over me in a effort to get these spiritual words out of me. In fact I got so tired of standing there and made some noises just so he would quit before he had a brain aneurysm.
     I was told I did not pray enough and I then began a prayer life of epic proportions. This didn't work so I was told there was some sin I had not confessed to Christ and this held me back. I went through allot of actions asking for forgiveness but all I got from this was a really bad feeling about myself. Finally after I had tried many many cures I was told the same thing those who go to healing conferences and get no healing "You just don't believe enough". This line was so good I took it home and fertilized my backyard with it. I have always believed in God, Noah's Ark  and all the other Old Testament stories I took for fact and have not questioned them at all. The closest problem I can admit to was at that time I was sort of holding God at a arms distance. Something good happens praise the lord! something bad comes along, don't worry I can fix this all by myself. I talked at God often but rarely listened and only when I wanted somthing
     I returned to the Catholic faith last year due to some life events that had happened and was from the start on fire. I prayed 3 to 4 hours a day, said the Rosary and the Divine Chaplet daily and prayed for lost souls in Purgatory and all other kinds of things. I was a student on what was proper to do during a Mass and what was improper.Needless to say the veils on my wife and daughter made us stand out as it was but add that to bowing to the Priest as he processed in and out of Mass. Not holding our hands up when saying "and also with you" as well as tapping the chest three times when in the Lord's Prayer say and forgive us our trespasses. We weren't to say the social stars of our Church but we did not mind we worshipped in accordance with the ways of tradition all but forgotten these days.
It was during this time I was at my happiest and at the most peace. The Church became less of a place I had to go and more of a place I loved to go. Just walking in to Mass my wife would hear me say very softly. "I love it here".
     It was also during this time that my first experience with the presence of the Holy Ghost came to pass. I was riding in a car and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of peace and joy beyond explanation. It was a feeling that if you ever had you never wanted to lose everything was Good and there was nothing that had to be worried about because you knew (not guessed) but knew Christ was in control. These feelings would last perhaps a few minutes to a couple of hours and during these time all you could do was praise God because nothing mattered more than that at that moment. It was the best I had felt ever and as it happened again and again I never wanted it to stop. However I found that it could stop. Let you prayer life fade and miss a Mass or two and that is all it takes. Now when I say miss a Mass or two I should say we were on vacation traveling. However this is a very poor excuse to miss Mass. If I had out some effort into it I could have found a Church where I was.
     Once these first slips are made it is a very slippery slope and it takes allot of effort to begin again. The great this is that when you do begin again Christ returns and all is as it was. While this is a true sign of the forgiveness of Christ I would caution all that the suffering you feel while separated is of such unhappiness I pray none would find themselves in the absence of the presence of Christ, Sickness and fatigue are just two examples of what you must battle to get back on the correct path. Yet if you get by these times and pray for God to put you back on the path you will find yourself there before you know it. There is nothing like being in the presence of the Holy Ghost and nothing else compares to it. Once you experience it you will never want to lose it and if you do once there will not be a second time.
     The next few blogs I will post will be about my life before being Catholic and what happened in my life to

Until then God Bless You All!

Does God Cry Part II

Well we have seen (somewhat over dramatized) one side of the coin. This is a example of a Catholic who did everything wrong except go to church. While we are not this bad we perhaps find some parts of this in each of us. Last night's posting was a man who was Catholic in name only. Well lets see what he could have done different and what it may have meant for his day.
     On Sunday our friend goes to Mass arriving early to pray for understanding of today's message. He pays close attention in Mass and stays until the last note of the closing hymn. He walks out slowly offering God's blessing upon those who are elderly or handicapped along the way. He knows he has plenty of time as the parking lot is a night,are to get out of until 15 minutes after Mass has ended. He chats with some he knows and stops to read up on what is going on in the church. He and his family get to their cars and have a easy time getting out of the parking lot as he says to himself a prayer of thanksgiving for the Mass. He decides to put off mowing the lawn for another week and chides himself for being slothful yesterday and not doing it then. He reaffirms to himself that this is a family day and goes home and spends time with the kids and wife explaining and meditating on the Mass they heard today. Later it is a great Sunday dinner and off to bed ready to work.
     The alarm goes off at 4:30am he blinks his eyes looking at the clock thinking to himself how much he would enjoy more sleep. He then realizes he has no time for laziness it is time to prepare for the day. He exits the bed and goes straight to his knees thanking a loving God for another day to serve him. He then spends about 20 minutes in meditation on the Passion or some other subject in the Bible and then gets ready to go to work. He leaves early feeling great about the day and as he has plenty of time to get to work. He decides that a coffee stop is in order to get his Double Mocha frappachino with chocolate sprinkles and two cherries. He pulls up after his order and moves along until the car ahead of him seems to have a problem with it's order. He thinks to himself how surprised he is that they don't have more issues with orders as busy as they are. He waits taking sometime to pray as his turn comes up. He greets them warmly and wishes them God's blessings upon his driving away. He takes a drink from his drink and realizes one cherry is missing. He laughs quietly to himself and thinks who would get mad because they forgot a cherry.
     He continues to work arriving about 10 minutes early and spots Charlie walking down the walk. He walks up to him to see if he can answer any of the questions he might have about the Roman Catholic Church. Charlie points to a certain subject and says he does not understand. He asks him to join him in a cup of coffee after work so he can explain it in detail and where it is a little more quiet. Charley agrees and upon departing says thanks. Our friend enters into work and begins his work day. He has a meeting with his boss to discuss why his numbers are down, but there is no yelling as that the boss knows this employee to be faithful in his faith and knows he always gives 100% at work. Our friend returns to his desk asking God to help him at work and again gives thanks for all his blessings. He works all the way to lunch keeping his nose to the grind stone as he knows a idle mind is a open door to the sin of gossip,
     During lunch he Waves Charlie over and asks him to join him for lunch so they can talk. The lunchroom is loud so the discussion is light. He crosses himself in preparation to give thanks for the food God provided and then settles in to eat. Charlie tells him it is weird how many stare at him when he does pray. Our friend just smiles and says "never could deny my savior can't start now" there is a light chuckle. The talk goes from sports to other areas and relaxes them both to face the second half of work. The second half of the day goes as the first except that the company busybody comes around to spread the latest gossip. Our Friend knows he has spent time on this persons list of subjects (as many have). Just as they start up our friend says, "excuse me but this doesn't really apply to me" and excuses himself and turns back to his work. The day finishes with our friend praying a prayer of thanks for his efforts at work. He never brags about what he does and has been offered many awards but insists he does not want these and his reward is helping the company. He knows he is not political enough to get a promotion but remains happy with a raise on occasion.
     He meets Charlie at a small restaurant and listens carefully to Charlie as he is having trouble with the idea of Papal Infallibility. Charlie explains how the Pope is the leader of the Church and has authority in certain areas in which he is considered in fallible. He stresses that this is only done after long prayer and by the direction of the Holy Spirit. He then spends time and pulls out his pocket Bible and shows that in the early church Peter was in charge and all the other disciples went to him for a decision. He shows where there was a actual conflict of teaching where Peter had to say who was right and who was wrong and that the decision was instantly accepted. He remembers he has a Bible Study tonight and invites Charley to come. He offers also to be a sponsor for him during the upcoming RCIA sessions that will start soon. He is hopeful that Charley's whole family will attend so his family can sponsor and support Charley's family and they can both learn something new about their faith. He then says he has to go and will pick Charley up for Bible Study a little early to introduce him around. He goes to pay the bill for the coffee and his card is declined. He is confused by this as he knows there was 400 dollars there this morning. He knows something is up he will check it out when he gets home. Carley offers to pay the tab chided our friend on arranging this all just to get out of a bill. They both laugh and each go to their homes.
     When our friend gets home he hollers at the top of his lungs "Dad's home"! Suddenly he can hear it slowly building in sound and vibration. He thinks to himself with a chuckle "oh oh here comes the kiddie avalanche. His children greet him with hugs and allot of chatter about what they did this day. He makes time to listen to each and discuss what they did. The conversation is real as he listens to all what his children have to say. Along with the kids came the dog also excited to see him and he greets his pet with love and strokes of kindness. Now Mom has entered and she reminds the kids of homework and prayers that will be a little early tonight as Dad has a Bible Study tonight. He quietly says a prayer of thanks for a wonderful family and gives God praise for his blessings. He kisses his wife hello and is told about the hot water heater going out. His wife is upset because it wiped out the checking account and she had a horrible time figuring out what to do. He kissed her and states no problem we will take a little from savings to tide us over and then tells his wife how much he loves her for handling this and for sticking it out through a rough day. She says "well I didn't do it alone" as the husband nods "all things through Christ he says" then they both take a second to pray thanks for the help they had received that day. Then the family settles down for dinner. Soon the husband excuses himself asking his wife to wait a few minutes before the kids come in to pray so he can prepare for the class he is giving tonight. He enters his dark bedroom and kneels to pray asking God to send the Holy Ghost upon him as he teaches so all he says is in accordance with the will of God. The family prays together and then the kids are off to bed as our friend goes to pick up Charley.
     He arrives at the Bible Study with Charley and introduces him around. The class he gives touches all as it seemed that the Holy Spirit spoke through him in all things. He acknowledges all praises from  his brothers in humility citing it was just the Holy Ghost working overtime. Charley after hearing the class wishes to join RCIA with his family. Our friend silently praises God for allowing him to be his tool in bringing Charley home and assures Charley that he and his family will be there every step of the way with them. He asks Charley if he would like him to pray with him and they both pray in thanks for the events of this day. He drops Charley at home and wishes God's blessings and peace to all who enter his home. He arrives at home and looks in on the kids as he heads for his bedroom. The dog has gotten up to greet him and he pets the pooch and gives thanks for such a fine pet. He gets into bed as his wife wakes up. He tells her he loves her and that she is his best friend. He then invites her to pray with him. Prayers being said he slowly drifts off to sleep thinking how much he would rather be in the kingdom of God than here in this world but he knows it is his race to run. He goes to a quiet restful sleep knowing how blessed he truly is.
     So in two days we have seen two people one who was a Catholic in name only and another who lived his faith. Most of us are somewhere in the middle of these two people in our daily lives. However this does not answer the question does God cry? I submit to you it does. You see I have described on day one a lost soul who is Catholic in name only and will likely never change because he is too proud to apologize and too proud to change. The second one is someone who walks with Christ as a matter of habit in his daily life. He takes joy in what God takes joy in and is showered with blessings by his Father. The first man God does cry over, because here is a soul that will go to Hell and never know the true goodness of his God the way the second man does.
     Does God cry? Sure he does. He cries when we fail to help the poor or hungry or downtrodden because we don't wish to share what we have. He cries when he is cursed by man and he name is used as a swear word rather than a name of praise. He cries when we verbally abuse our wives and children and cause them sadness. Or when we shut those in our family out of our lives. He cries to watch somebody claiming to be what he is not and thereby spreading his poison into the body. He cries at the unrepentant who if they just took a few step could once again call God Father and walk in his ways. Yes God does cry and sadly more often than we will ever know. He cries for a child neglected that dies or one who is shot in a crossfire of two drug gangs. He cries to see families ripped apart by divorce which in all too many cases is hardest on the children. He cries for every aborted child that should have grown to know him and serve him.
     Do we make him cry? In all honesty as we are not perfect yes. We do not mean to but it happens more often than not on a daily basis. He rejoices when we go to confess our sins to the Priest but cries if we confess what we are not sorry for. Yes God Cries and with him Jesus.Mary, The holy Ghost and any number of Saints and Angels. Yet they don't cry for themselves as we do. They cry for us and all the missed opportunities to serve Christ and our fellow man. They cry perhaps hardest of all at two things. A person who in his unrepentant ways is sent away from the presence of God. He cries hardest of all for the unborn child who was never given a chance to live.
     Yes we all live somewhere between these two people I have written about these last two days. But for us the real question is not does God cry we know he does. But when will we as the body of Christ stop making him cry over our sins. We cannot correct them all. For those we can't change pray harder than you ever prayed for forgiveness and help to beat this enemy. For those things we can change is it not time we do and bring love to our creator and not sadness and misery.
Good night my friends and God bless each of you. May God bless you and your house and may you rejoice in his spiritual presence soon.

Does God cry? Part 1

In the world we live in we want what we want, when we want it and how we want it. We have all found ourselves living in a world that moves very fast and we accept this because we live in it also. Yep pull to the window order and 60 seconds later here what you ordered. If it takes a extra few minutes we begin to blow the car horn and if what we want a day or two late we call wanting somebodies job for having made you wait. Is it that your or my time is so precious that we cannot sacrifice a extra few minutes or a day before we begin to get angry?
     So lets begin by showing a few examples. We are told at the end of Man go in peace and do good for one another. Sounds great! However when you get in your car to go home it is a zoo. People showing love for each other while cutting each other off and not yielding to anybody because it is urgent you get home. When we continue on to highways to get home it looks somewhat of the start of the Daytona 500 if the speed limit is 60 cars are weaving in and out of traffic at 80 mph with the bumper sticker that says how proud you are to be a Catholic. However we are not alone every Church and every faith has the same issues. Yet it seems that the media and general world hate for the Roman Catholic Faith means any mistake we make are in the eyes of others multiplied by 10 because we are you know one of those. You finally get home from Mass and decide it is a great day to catch up on lawn work thereby not even allowing yourself to keep the Lord's day holy. Angel at Mass, Devil on the way home and heretic when you get home but is this all? Not by a long shot.
     The alarm goes off on Monday morn and you grunt and snore and hit the snooze button. and then again and again and again. When you do wake it is no time for shower just dress and go and I'll catch something later for breakfast, However realizing your still groggy and need some coffee to get that ole ticker into gear. You pull into your favorite fast food place for a triple mocha frappachino with caramel and chocolate sprinkles with two not one cherry on top. So in front of you are three cars and the first two pull away no problem. Your next and you can still make it to work on time. Then as always it hits the guy in front of you either got his order wrong or they are waiting on something. Precious minutes tick away as you wait and you begin to get angry and then angrier and then real hot!
You begin to blow your horn and invoke curses upon the guy in front of you as well as the obviously incompetent staff in this store. You are delayed a total of four minutes and then they take you next. You mumble something about how minimum wage jobs could be better by monkeys rather than them as you snatch your order and Begin to blaze away down the road headed to the high way. To make matters worse your really mad now as they only gave you one cherry on top.
     You finally get to the highway entrance it is of course packed but you still have a three minute window to work with yet. You enter the highway cutting off some semi-truck and he blows his Horn at you to express his displeasure at what you did. You give him that one finger salute as you find you are very angry at the loss of that cherry. Two accidents and a construction zone later with you flying down the highway gets you to work two minutes before time ti punch in on the clock. You run like Jesse Owens clearing the railings by a foot as you vault over them only to land in mud getting you shoes and pants all muddy. You say some words that will have to be explained at Reconciliation Mass and stomp towards the door. As you enter the door there stands Charlie who has been talking to you about the Catholic faith and has a question about yesterdays reading, but your in a hurry and don't have time for that right now. So you spout out "can't you do anything for yourself"! and you stomp over to your desk 5 minutes late to work. You feel bad about what you said to Charlie but you will fix it later when you are in a better mood.

     Lunch comes none to soon and as you begin to feel a little better you think you might make it to the end of the day without killing somebody. You see Charlie and remember you are trying to convince him to leave his Protestant Church and join the Holy Roman Catholic Church. You've poured a ton of time into this. Charlie appears at first reluctant to come over but with you coaxing him he does come over. You ask him if he had reached a final decision about going to Mass with you next Sunday, He replies politely that he can't as he feels being Catholic is not what he wants. He then leaves and you shrug your shoulders and convince yourself that somebody from his church got to him first.
     The remainder of the work day is spent much like the morning except it is hot with the late day sun and your temper is shorter and you snap at most everybody around you as you don.t want to be bothered. A few more run ins with the boss and again you are fired up to furnace level again. A hot drive home in rush hour traffic with the sun beating on you like a drum. You get off the highway and decide to go have a nice cold beer before you go home. You order your beer and think to yourself I have been waiting for this all day. The bartender walks up and tells you your bank card has been declined and you state this can't be true.with venom in your voice, yet sadly it is and you curse the bank and the bartender without mercy before stomping out.
     You drive home with a volcano erupting out the top of your head. You stomp inside the house ignoring your kids as they competent for your attention. Finally they get on your nerves and you yell "Look I'm tired just leave me alone"! The children faces go from smile to hurt confusion as they go their way. You walk into the kitchen and ask what is for dinner and you wife says "hamburgers".
That is it you have had all you can stand and you begin to scream what about the roast in the fridge. You wife states something about a pipe bursting and having to get it fixed along with a new hot water heater. However your not listening and along with screaming about the dinner you wanted you also decide to launch into a tirade as to her wasteful spending. Again she says smoothing about a pipe ans a water heater but you don't want to hear excuses you want to know what she is going to do about her spending and her obvious faults as a wife for not having a decent meal on the table. At this times she bursts into tears and goes to the bedroom locks the door and cries. Your children come to ask what is wrong with mommy and you again yell at them for not leaving you alone. They too retreat into their rooms crying also as you trip over the dog making it yelp and kick at it for being in your way. You look at you watch realizing it is almost time for your men's Bible Study Group and you can't miss it cause you are going to explain how a Catholic Family is to live under Christ.
     You return home after giving the class thinking what a wonderful class you just taught never realizing that many felt your heart was not in it. The house is quiet as you return and you come inside expecting the dog to be jumping up and down on you being happy your home. But no dog,no family, just silence greets you. You begin to think about the class you gave and you feel guilt on how you treated everybody. You look in on the kids who are all sleeping but it is obvious they went to sleep crying. You open your bedroom door and hear a quiet whimper from your wife as you get into bed. Yes she is awake and it would be a good time to apologize and seek God's forgiveness for your sins. However somehow you can't bring yourself to do it you go to sleep and fall to sleep amidst the spinning on a guilty conscience which disappears as you address every issue and justify how somehow none of this was your fault. You can't get comfortable and you fall asleep never getting the peaceful night rest you wanted.
This may be over played, but if honesty is in you perhaps is some measure you can find yourself in this story. I believe at times we all can and we all wish to forget it when it happens. A bad day goes on to destroy testimony as well as witness and has brought hurt to all those around you. As stated this does not reflect on all who read this but there are those who are a exact copy of this fellow.. He goes to Mass with you, he goes to Bible Study with you and may even be a fellow Knight of Columbus. He knows what he did wrong and he knows what he has to do to correct it. He knows all the right things to say at Mass and Bible meetings but what of admitting sin and asking for forgiveness this he struggles with. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Stay tuned as our friend tries to make all right twenty-four hours later in Does God cry part II.
    
    

A long climb back to the top

As with everyone we all come upon a time in our lives as Catholics when Christ does not feel so near. This can catch you at any time but is most common to new believers. During this time you don't feel the presence of God through the Holy Ghost as you once did. This may have many causes but two causes seem to be prevalent either it is sin or it is a test from God. Either way these times can have a dramatic effect upon a Catholic believer if he is not prepared. Now you can say what you want but as the old saying goes ya gotta be there to understand.
     During these times your first thought is confusion as you try to figure what happened to the closeness with Christ and why it is suddenly not there. The next stage is the "what did I do phase". This is a time of self examination at such an deep and caustic level you almost always count out the idea of a test. You immediately turn to yourself and begin to accuse yourself for being at fault for everything from the loss of your relationship to God to the global warming crisis everybody talks about. You become frustrated and at times stubborn and your prayer life begins to fall off.
     Now at this point you have set your time for the long climb back. You have to start from scratch re- disciplining yourself to pray and to attend Mass etc... This is harder than you think as that Satan will keep you nice and busy with everything from Doctor visits and illness to keep you off your balance and keep you physically run down to keep you away from prayer. This is where the real fight begins. We all know that we are not as tough as our 1870 era relatives. They ate better, they worked harder and prayed allot more. So what to us might seem as a disastrous sickness would have been seen back then as nothing. Headaches are my killers, having suffered a heat stroke injury during military training anytime it gets to a 90+ degree day I get headaches due to heat. They seem to be crippling but when I look at them and be honest with myself they are not enough to keep me from watching television or being on my computer. So why should it prevent us from going to church? Often what happens is with such minor annoyances make us tired and if you live in the Southwest as I do 90 plus days can also sap your energy. So now the issue is tired NOT a headache, and all too often it becomes the real reason we stay away and not the illness that we would shake off in a second if we wanted to.
     If not addressed right away it will continue to drag your spiritual life down until you fight. So how do we fight? First you must accept on faith that it is not you. If you try this and continue to have issues go to reconciliation Mass and relieve yourself of whatever sin you may think it to be. Once you have a clean conscience as well as some prayer time you will find it is a test. As stated earlier this is a tough point to reach because in our humility as Catholics we tend to accept responsibility for issues that hit our spiritual life or we go to panic mode and end up at the same spot. Prayer is essential here and you must pray in such a manner that you will not be disturbed and you can seek a close time with God. Remember feelings can and will fool you, never trust a feeling until you have really checked it out. This is a little something that allot tend to forget. Some prayers that are essential is to meditate on the Passion, the Rosary as well as the Chaplet of divine mercy. You can do more but these three I really do recommend. Also get your Guardian Angel and Saint going with you and as always ask for the intercession of Our Holy Mother Mary.
     Keep praying above all if you stop it will be difficult to get that discipline you once had back. As in the Parable you don't want to be that seed that never had a chance to take root. God is merciful and forgiving beyond measure. He has sufficient grace to forgive and will not fail to do so even if you are away for awhile, We however do not want to use this as a justification to say "well I'll worry about it later. Prayer as you might have guessed can cure almost anything from a doubting faith to a lost faith. How I wish more would realize this as they go through the journey God has set before them. So much pain and loss can be avoided it we only prayed more and worried less. As you pray for a closer bind with Christ you will find in time it will return and probably never left as it was just a dry spell you were feeling. Now I know some will say "earlier you said it could be sin or a test now you say it has never really left and it was a feeling. The truth being it can be any of the three because allot depends on how you experience it.
     The rule is pray always pray, even when Christ seems far far away pray and you will be heard. Christ loves you no matter your situation or your standing. He sees no race,color or creed. He loves all and wishes they would all come to him and find eternal happiness in his coming kingdom. Don't be afraid to say anything to Christ he is with you 24/7 and knows everything so why try to fool him. He will forgive all you need do is seek his endless forgiveness. It was said of Padre Pio that he was praying at all times his duties (saying mass) did not prevent him from doing so. It was said that he would walk down the halls of the monestary and hold conversations with his Guardian Angel. This is how tightly he was wired into Christ! While sadly we cannot spend every minute of our day in prayer due to work and other commitments we can spend perhaps a hour or two talking with our greatest friend. While we know we are nothing without him and it is grace and forgivenessthat we get to his kingdom. He sees us as treasures he created and loves and aches to have us all turn to him in repentance and prayer.
     Such is not the council of evil, but the council of life. Seek Christ in all things remember he died so that you may be forgiven he rose so that you may have eternal life. He has not forgotten you and only wishes that you seek him and let him know you have not forgotten or rejected him. There is a knocking at the door. Will you answer?
God Bless you and peace to all the houses of those who read this.