Too often we get in the mind frame of "nobody understands what I am going going through and I have it harder than anybody else". We complain at every little ache and pain or bump in the road of life, If we don't get the promotion we wanted it is because the person who got it is a bottom kisser or a politician or even he or she has done "favors" for the boss. If something does not go exactly like we want it to we often complain or call the manager and belittle the person who made a mistake or speak to the manager rudely to the point of being belligerent. Even after a apology it is not good enough and we are not satisfied until either it is free or we have attracted the attention of everybody in the room. We complain in the summer it is too hot. We complain in the winter that it is too cold. We talk to anybody who will listen how somebody has it better than you. It seem we are never satisfied with what we have.
Now I have one huge area where I am at my weakest point. I love electronics! Anything that is a electronic man toy I want and am just now coming to grips with this sin within me. Wait did I say sin? Yes I did. Wanting the latest technology in computers,cell phones or e-readers. when you have last years model is sin. It is akin to storing up treasures on Earth and will pull you away from your prayer life and in some ways it can pull you away from the most important thing in your life Christ himself. Now if you had read my posting yesterday I was doing just that when I wanted to trade up from my 6 inch screen kindle for the new kindle with a 9 inch screen. The first one cost me about 300 dollars 90 days ago by the time I bought all the do dads it needed. Then I saw the new,bigger and better Kindle total cost with do dads 450.00 with do dads and no book costs because I transferred them from my old to my new system. Now let us be honest 5 inch more screen and a little longer of battery life is no reason to buy this item.
Now I justified it by saying well it is easy to read and it can hold more books. Now let me be honest the smaller one was not that hard to read. I currently have 46 books on my kindle everything from The Canon of the Church to several versions of the Douay-Rheims Bible. several books by G.K. Chesterson all the way down to the Summa Theologica. I have enough books on my reader to keep me in reading material for several months. So why did I need more storage? It was a justification of the sin of want and desire not of the things of God but of Worldly goods. So you nor anybody else is alone in the battle of selfish interest and not seeking the ways of God. This is just a small section of the wide spectrum of time when we feel we either have it too hard, did not get what we deserved, received no understandings of our conditions and putting what we want in front of what God wants.
We all know what God does is for the good always if he is separated from you it is likely a test to see if you are ready to move to the next level of your relationship with him. But all to often we don't see this we pray.beg and swear to become a Priest or Nun if he would come back. Then the mind sets itself to self pity and all to soon nobody understands me. God by what he does always works for the good. He is God therefore he cannot do evil. He uses hard economic times to test and teach us. We don't see that but we complain harder than ever how hard we have it and how nobody understands what we are going through. Soon enough if we do not get out of this frame of mind comes depression pills and anxiety pills. Both because we brought it upon ourselves. Try this, the next time you hit a economic bump and you are having a hard time making your payments on your 3 bedroom home with 4 televisions in it, your two cars, satellite TV and enough food to get you by. Not enough to have the standards of dining you want, but enough to get by. I ask you to either think about or visit El Paso Texas and go to The University of Texas El Paso and stand in the south parking lot and look across the border and see what you see. You will see hundreds of shacks built out of cardboard with little cooking pipes sticking out of the tops. Every morning these pipes spew smoke into the morning air as breakfast is being prepared and I can assure you it is no where near the quality of food you eat or waste in a single day.
When we don't get everything just as we want it we complain stomp our feet and talk to whoever you can get a hold of like a dog. If you ever worked in a restaurant you've been on both sides of this one if you never had to work in a restaurant you don't know what that person is facing in their life. Perhaps she is a single Mother who is on her own because she refused to get a abortion like her family wanted. Her child was ill last night she makes minimum wage so she is on medicare and can't go to just any hospital. She got home at 4AM and had to be at work at 6AM afraid to call out sick because she may loose her job. Perhaps it was the man who last night at 11PM got a call that his best friend had been killed in Iraq and he went over to grieve and to comfort his friends parents because they were like Brothers growing up. He never got home he went straight from their house to work. Yet because a cherry was missing off their smiley face breakfast they get verbally beat in the dirt. Of course they would love to tell you what is going on but they can't (company policy) and as much as they would love to tell you just where to put that cherry when u get it, they have to just bow their heads because you have some issue that just made you mad.
Forgive the term you in this as I do not wish to accuse anybody as acting so. I use it to bring it into perspective so that if one day you are in the situation you may catch yourself and show more of God's love that your anger. Even the day God made for us we complain about it either it is too hot or too cold. We want to move out of the state that we live in and move to another state either because we like it there better or we can escape some problems by moving. Often although we claim the first the real reason is the second. We want what we don't have and have no use for what we do. There is the point of it all. We go to Mass and listen to statements time after time how God gives us all we need and we nod our heads like those little bobble head dogs you see in car windows. It leaves our heads just a second after we hear it and it is gone. We thank God for little in our lives yet complain about almost anything. Is our generation so selfish that we have forgotten who gives us all good things and declare them not good enough for us.
My wife always gets upset with me at restaurants because if the order is not right I don't complain. I just eat it as is and I am happy. The only time I will remind my server is if a drink or a main meal is missing. However I am NEVER rude. It is number one against my nature (thank heavens I fall way to short of God's path than to have another issue added) number two I have been there restaurant work is difficult and the average waitress or waiter in a Denny's or IHOP or Village Inn make (unless they have a law like New Mexico) make just over 3 dollars a hour because the Government says they make the rest on tips to make up the difference between that and minimum wage.
One of the first and hardest things to do is to give up what we own and be happy with what Christ has given us. I read somewhere that God destines some to be rich and others to be poor. The poor ones are blessed as they never have to deal with the issue of wealth. Now when I say give up what we own I mean it in the terms of not giving inn to our desires for possessions as it is not likely anybody could sell all he owns and have his family on the street. I often think back to that 398 dollar Kindle and hang my head in shame. 328 Dollars could have done allot at a battered woman's home or at a rescue mission or to buy groceries for somebody in need. We have to learn to thank God for ALL things good,bad or indifferent. For what seems a horrible situation to us is really a test and if we just thanked God for the hardships, and meant it much greater rewards await us after the hard time passes.
It is a old saying in our home that no matter how bad things get Christ has never let us down. I want to share with you a true story about a true miracle. It was the day I learned that giving thanks in hard times lead to larger rewards one the test passes on. It was a Sunday and I was at Mass we were excited because the travelling Out Lady of Fatima Statue was at our Parish that day. The Mass was great and the procession was even better. I wanted to take some time to pray to our Lady of Fatima so I waited in line for my turn. During this time both my wife and I were awaiting our retirement to be finalized and money was tight. We had no money for milk,bread,butter we were flat broke and two months behind on the house and we had a week till we got some money in and all we had to eat was beans. Realistically we could have pulled through it would not have been easy but it could have been done. My turn came to kneel and pray before Our Lady of Fatima which I did. However my prayer was a prayer for thanks and not for what I needed. I thanked her for her intercessions and for all the great things her son had done for someone as insignificant as I. I thanked her for my great wife and kids my puppy dogs and for the joy I felt in my heart everyday. I then got up and left and expecting nothing more, My wife got up early that day and went to her computer and checked our bank account. She nearly gave me heart failure as she screamed to the top of her lungs. Our account didn't have the 2,98 she expected but instead had 15,002.98. With no letter of acceptance or any other kind of notice my wife's retirement annuity had come in. She was retired and we were able to pay everything back up to date and put food in the house. I regard this as another miracle of Our Lady of Fatima. While some scoff at the word miracle I don't. God will never let us down and Christ will do many things for his mother. So weather you think it was or not I hold to the stance it was a miracle.
So lets all of us try to remember to thank God in all things good, bad, or indifferent. Also if we have had a bad night or morning lets agree to not pass a bad day on to all we come in contact with. I in my very limited mind could never comprehend the goodness,mercy and love of God. It all seems so great to me and when I try to love Christ as much as he loves me I come up way short of the scale. To confront this fact is so depressing to me as I am shown both my insignificance as well as my lack of deserving for all that God does for me. It is said I am not worthy. When I look at myself through my eyes this insignificance shines as bright as the sun. Yet to see myself through his eyes is to rejoice in thankfulness with tears of appreciation at his mercy and grace that seems endless. So if you ever find yourself not being thankful for what God gave you stop. See how you look in God's eyes it will change your day. It will change your week and will change you life.
God Bless
Sunday, July 24, 2011
lying is a sin! Especially when we lie to ourselves.
People tend to be a bit touchy in this area because more often than not the habit is so inbreed in our Psyche that we can't admit it. Some are worse than others and some are better than others. It is the same idea about riches in this world God made some rich and some poor each in accordance to his mission in life. Often it goes like this "Mom Mrs. Davis is on the phone about cookies for the RCIA class this weekend". "Dang I don't have time. tell her I am not here. A lie is a sin, and within the Catholic faith we have Mortal and venial sins. However you slice it a lie is still a sin. However we have a amazing capacity to tell ourselves "Well it was just a little white lie". We have taken our sin and justified it or made the offense by our standards less than it is. We go trotting off to Mass and take Communion and bring destruction of ourselves due to the fact that most confession heart exams list a lie as a Mortal sin.
Why we do this is the question. Is our rebellious natures coming out of hiding or is it deeper? By this I mean could it be that we become more subject to denial in a effort not to recognize our own sins. Therefore we maintain what is to us our perfect record of non-sinfulness. In reality we have brought our record of sins and just keep stacking one upon the other. This in our society is at a epidemic rate beyond all imagination. It is even taught in our schools nobody is wrong and nobody is right. If you cheat on a test it is because issues in your formative years that are just coming home to roost. We see all to often a major public or religious leader get on TV and cry his heart out about how sleeping with a 15 year old girl really is not his fault. He is sick and needs counselling to overcome his weakness. The term sin is never used because he has justified his action by calling it a illness not a sin.
A Mother kills her two children by drowning them in the tub and presto! It is not murder it is not even sin instead it is depression caused by her recent child she gave birth to. These stories run the gauntlet from A to Z and always are due to a illness be it mental or physical or we did it because we could not avoid it from happening. Let you and I be honest with each other. Have you ever been in a situation where you could not avoid sin? If you say yes you might want to rethink your answer even if attacked you could run away. The real problem is if you or I say there was no way to avoiding sin in this situation we have done what we have learned so readily to do. We denied our sin and then justified it so it was no longer sin. In the process we have also made our old enemy Satan very happy.
Actions however are not the only thing we justify. I mean here you are sitting in Mass and it is running a little long due to the Priest being a little long winded. You think rats! Here it is 11:30 and the game started at 11:00. Man I really want to know what my Cowboys are doing in this game. Dang to close up front to turn on my cell phone and check out the web. Man I cannot believe this guy is still talking! Now finally Mass has ended and you have just broken the world record 100 yard dash so you can find out the score of the game. You dash by your friends who were attending the Catholic Mass for the first time and wanted to ask you a question that confused them. You then vault over three little old ladies in their walkers. trample two children because that score is more important to you than the Mass you were attending. You left early right after Communion and left your friends think that at Mass you don't want anybody to know you know them. Come Monday morning it is all the talk how the Cowboys lost in the last seconds of the game and you spend all Monday getting teased about your team. The incident at Church? Forgotten by 6PM after a dinner and a beer. What makes the saddest of all you have just put a football game over God and never admit to yourself that sin. If you don't figure it out sometime soon and you are called home, You wind up in Hell over a football game. Sound too fantastic to believe? If football season happens this year keep your eyes open.
It is hard to imagine this happening but it does daily and we don't even think it is a sin because we know how they should act and dress in Mass. And look they don't even put anything in the collection plate! What is their problem? They are not the problem, it is the one who is judging them that is the problem. There is one thing however one thing I am positive of. Jesus hears their prayers well ahead of theirs and offers them more graces than you can imagine. Did I just judge? No because by Jesus own words what I have said is true. There is a reason why in the book An Imitation of Christ it says to say as little as possible because if we talk less we sin less. This is not a overstatement but a statement of fact. If we guard out tongues and minds sin cannot get at us but we must be on guard at all times. I can say to you in all honesty I love the book An Imitation of Christ even though it clearly shows me the many many miles I have still to go before I would ever reach a point of possible going to spend eternity with Christ. If you don't own one get one and read it. You see allot of yourself in there and it is eye opening, but someday when you reach Heaven you may just think to yourself "Man I am glad I read that book". Be kind and giving to one another and I wish a blessing to all who read this upon their homes and families.
God Bless
Why we do this is the question. Is our rebellious natures coming out of hiding or is it deeper? By this I mean could it be that we become more subject to denial in a effort not to recognize our own sins. Therefore we maintain what is to us our perfect record of non-sinfulness. In reality we have brought our record of sins and just keep stacking one upon the other. This in our society is at a epidemic rate beyond all imagination. It is even taught in our schools nobody is wrong and nobody is right. If you cheat on a test it is because issues in your formative years that are just coming home to roost. We see all to often a major public or religious leader get on TV and cry his heart out about how sleeping with a 15 year old girl really is not his fault. He is sick and needs counselling to overcome his weakness. The term sin is never used because he has justified his action by calling it a illness not a sin.
A Mother kills her two children by drowning them in the tub and presto! It is not murder it is not even sin instead it is depression caused by her recent child she gave birth to. These stories run the gauntlet from A to Z and always are due to a illness be it mental or physical or we did it because we could not avoid it from happening. Let you and I be honest with each other. Have you ever been in a situation where you could not avoid sin? If you say yes you might want to rethink your answer even if attacked you could run away. The real problem is if you or I say there was no way to avoiding sin in this situation we have done what we have learned so readily to do. We denied our sin and then justified it so it was no longer sin. In the process we have also made our old enemy Satan very happy.
Actions however are not the only thing we justify. I mean here you are sitting in Mass and it is running a little long due to the Priest being a little long winded. You think rats! Here it is 11:30 and the game started at 11:00. Man I really want to know what my Cowboys are doing in this game. Dang to close up front to turn on my cell phone and check out the web. Man I cannot believe this guy is still talking! Now finally Mass has ended and you have just broken the world record 100 yard dash so you can find out the score of the game. You dash by your friends who were attending the Catholic Mass for the first time and wanted to ask you a question that confused them. You then vault over three little old ladies in their walkers. trample two children because that score is more important to you than the Mass you were attending. You left early right after Communion and left your friends think that at Mass you don't want anybody to know you know them. Come Monday morning it is all the talk how the Cowboys lost in the last seconds of the game and you spend all Monday getting teased about your team. The incident at Church? Forgotten by 6PM after a dinner and a beer. What makes the saddest of all you have just put a football game over God and never admit to yourself that sin. If you don't figure it out sometime soon and you are called home, You wind up in Hell over a football game. Sound too fantastic to believe? If football season happens this year keep your eyes open.
It is hard to imagine this happening but it does daily and we don't even think it is a sin because we know how they should act and dress in Mass. And look they don't even put anything in the collection plate! What is their problem? They are not the problem, it is the one who is judging them that is the problem. There is one thing however one thing I am positive of. Jesus hears their prayers well ahead of theirs and offers them more graces than you can imagine. Did I just judge? No because by Jesus own words what I have said is true. There is a reason why in the book An Imitation of Christ it says to say as little as possible because if we talk less we sin less. This is not a overstatement but a statement of fact. If we guard out tongues and minds sin cannot get at us but we must be on guard at all times. I can say to you in all honesty I love the book An Imitation of Christ even though it clearly shows me the many many miles I have still to go before I would ever reach a point of possible going to spend eternity with Christ. If you don't own one get one and read it. You see allot of yourself in there and it is eye opening, but someday when you reach Heaven you may just think to yourself "Man I am glad I read that book". Be kind and giving to one another and I wish a blessing to all who read this upon their homes and families.
God Bless
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Trusting in God above all things
First let me offer my deepest condolences and prayers for those in Norway who lost their lives and for those wounded as well as the families. It is a sad event in our time that some despicable pigs target children in a war of ideologies. It would be great as some suggest to sit and talk but these people are taught to hate at birth and sadly only understand killing and force. I realize that the Churches opinion lies in the hope of talks and peace, It is hard to believe this to be realistic as I believe this is a war of religion and not political beliefs if you will it is akin to the crusades with a 21st century twist.
In a world where pornography,terrorism,child abuse,abortion and hatred seem to rein supreme over all things it is sometimes difficult to remember that it is Christ who reins over all things and always had and always will. One of the reasons I began this blog was to maintain some sort of unknown status so that pride will never become a factor. In the world in which we live it is difficult to maintain humility or even piety as when you do something it is often recognized verbally as well as openly praised almost right away. This may not have been your original reasons for doing a good deed but if there is no praise there is always a tiny spot in your mind that wonders why. If you are praised and you refuse to accept the praise or award you become quickly accused of being prideful anyways because you seem stuck up to a point.
So what kind of things can you do to serve God and still retain total animosity. Skip a meal a day. This act if every person were to do it and did not waste any food what so ever could in fact feed millions across this land and around the world. This year our Government spent 2.6 billion dollars to teach Chinese prostitutes to drink more responsibly. This is no joke it did happen and sits on many sites that describe wasteful spending. How many homes could be built and sold at a lower or even a no profit cost to our homeless veterans or to a single parent who chose life over abortion of their child. I cannot put a price on one life but I can say that their is nothing more important to me that one life. This year our Government spent 46 billion dollars to upgrade it's employees plane tickets from coach to business class. To make matters worse it is against the rules to upgrade a ticket from coach to business or first class seating yet it still is done everyday. What happens to those who break the rules nothing, It is one of many areas that is given a silent wink and a nod.
So what could be done for the good of humanity with 46 billion dollars? I really do not have a answer but I am working on one as when God asks why a nation he blessed with so much gave so little. In our country we eat more, use more fuel. use more resources and have the fewest programs or ideas how we might save some of these for the future. Now I know I sound like a Socialist or a Liberal of some kind but trust me I am not. I am Conservative as that I will support no candidate who supports abortion and after four years if they didn't at least try to bring abortion to a end, out they go!
So you might be thinking right now what does this have to do with trusting God above all things. Well let me enlighten you. Right now many thoughts are on the possibility of our country defaulting on it's debt. How did we get here? If you look at certain wasteful spending practices have allot to do with selfishness rather than helping people. Upgraded plane ticket charged to the taxpayer cha-ching 46 billion down the tubes. Putting more sand on our beaches ch-ching 3 million tax payer dollars gone.
These are done for very selfish reasons. Beaches erode they have to have sand. They had sand long before we got here and it is safe to say they were eroding then. God had control of that. 46 billion dollars for a extra six inches of space this alone is selfish beyond compare. We got here in this crisis that is all over the news and people are freaking over due to selfish desires. A Congressman introduces a bill to study if puppies can fly for 36 million dollars. The company who tries to study this says they need three years to figure it out so it becomes 108 million dollars. What does the congressman get? A fat juicy contribution to his campaign and a consulting job after he leaves office for 30 million a year.
We want comfort because it pleases us. We do not put a end to it because it is as much a part of our society as baseball. The simplest of facts is we did not trust God to see to our nations needs we trusted ourselves, and the more comfy we got the more we wanted soon it was out of control. If we lose our jobs and can't pay bills the first words out of a married couples lips are "What are we going to do?" After that and only after a period of time do we offer it up to God to handle. God does NOT want to hurt us he wants us to get our eyes off of self and on to him. Trusting God in all things means just that, trusting him in all things. A great prayer I read went something like this. Dear God do with me what you will for better or for worse in regards to me let it bring you glory and worship and if it is for the good let me rejoice in you and if it be for evil let me rejoice in that in testing me I grow stronger in you. From 1776 when we won a revolution against all odds to 1861 when we eliminated from this land the crime of slavery. To the great depression when just prior there was money everywhere and all lived well. It soon became a living nightmare as we for the first time began taking our eyes off Christ because intellectuals thought it improper to worship a God that to them did not exist. After years of starvation,home loss and the loss of our creature comforts to include a world war for the second time we finally moved back to family morals and looked to Christ. Then came the 1960's and the cheer went God is dead and our society was locked in a death grip struggle over many things to include abortion, two wage earning parents in the home, kids left to watch TV as it kept them out of underfoot. We took God out of schools,Christmas and anywhere the existed a government function that origins were based on our founding fathers who based their decisions on God.
We used to begin our day with a thanks to God in all things and judged it to be a good or bad day as to how our crops were doing or how hard we worked at our jobs. Today most don't even that God for what he does for us and we base our day to be good or bad by how much we made, who we messed over or what was on TV. Want to see a man get upset beyond belief and destroy his whole day? Hide his TV remote. He will look and get frustrated and begin to yell in no time at all. Yet as much as our own comforts have climbed to the top of the heap our ability to justify sin has become even greater. Today 80 people (many who were children) died today in Norway due to a attack by a claimed Islamic terrorist group. Norway has never in any way been involved with Iran or Afghanistan yet they were targeted by a group that justifies it as a war against western failures to bow to the Islamic society demands, Stop the world I wanna get off. Lord I know I am deserving of Hell and would consider even Purgatory to be a lucky break. Still no matter your just judgement I say come Lord come.
God Bless
In a world where pornography,terrorism,child abuse,abortion and hatred seem to rein supreme over all things it is sometimes difficult to remember that it is Christ who reins over all things and always had and always will. One of the reasons I began this blog was to maintain some sort of unknown status so that pride will never become a factor. In the world in which we live it is difficult to maintain humility or even piety as when you do something it is often recognized verbally as well as openly praised almost right away. This may not have been your original reasons for doing a good deed but if there is no praise there is always a tiny spot in your mind that wonders why. If you are praised and you refuse to accept the praise or award you become quickly accused of being prideful anyways because you seem stuck up to a point.
So what kind of things can you do to serve God and still retain total animosity. Skip a meal a day. This act if every person were to do it and did not waste any food what so ever could in fact feed millions across this land and around the world. This year our Government spent 2.6 billion dollars to teach Chinese prostitutes to drink more responsibly. This is no joke it did happen and sits on many sites that describe wasteful spending. How many homes could be built and sold at a lower or even a no profit cost to our homeless veterans or to a single parent who chose life over abortion of their child. I cannot put a price on one life but I can say that their is nothing more important to me that one life. This year our Government spent 46 billion dollars to upgrade it's employees plane tickets from coach to business class. To make matters worse it is against the rules to upgrade a ticket from coach to business or first class seating yet it still is done everyday. What happens to those who break the rules nothing, It is one of many areas that is given a silent wink and a nod.
So what could be done for the good of humanity with 46 billion dollars? I really do not have a answer but I am working on one as when God asks why a nation he blessed with so much gave so little. In our country we eat more, use more fuel. use more resources and have the fewest programs or ideas how we might save some of these for the future. Now I know I sound like a Socialist or a Liberal of some kind but trust me I am not. I am Conservative as that I will support no candidate who supports abortion and after four years if they didn't at least try to bring abortion to a end, out they go!
So you might be thinking right now what does this have to do with trusting God above all things. Well let me enlighten you. Right now many thoughts are on the possibility of our country defaulting on it's debt. How did we get here? If you look at certain wasteful spending practices have allot to do with selfishness rather than helping people. Upgraded plane ticket charged to the taxpayer cha-ching 46 billion down the tubes. Putting more sand on our beaches ch-ching 3 million tax payer dollars gone.
These are done for very selfish reasons. Beaches erode they have to have sand. They had sand long before we got here and it is safe to say they were eroding then. God had control of that. 46 billion dollars for a extra six inches of space this alone is selfish beyond compare. We got here in this crisis that is all over the news and people are freaking over due to selfish desires. A Congressman introduces a bill to study if puppies can fly for 36 million dollars. The company who tries to study this says they need three years to figure it out so it becomes 108 million dollars. What does the congressman get? A fat juicy contribution to his campaign and a consulting job after he leaves office for 30 million a year.
We want comfort because it pleases us. We do not put a end to it because it is as much a part of our society as baseball. The simplest of facts is we did not trust God to see to our nations needs we trusted ourselves, and the more comfy we got the more we wanted soon it was out of control. If we lose our jobs and can't pay bills the first words out of a married couples lips are "What are we going to do?" After that and only after a period of time do we offer it up to God to handle. God does NOT want to hurt us he wants us to get our eyes off of self and on to him. Trusting God in all things means just that, trusting him in all things. A great prayer I read went something like this. Dear God do with me what you will for better or for worse in regards to me let it bring you glory and worship and if it is for the good let me rejoice in you and if it be for evil let me rejoice in that in testing me I grow stronger in you. From 1776 when we won a revolution against all odds to 1861 when we eliminated from this land the crime of slavery. To the great depression when just prior there was money everywhere and all lived well. It soon became a living nightmare as we for the first time began taking our eyes off Christ because intellectuals thought it improper to worship a God that to them did not exist. After years of starvation,home loss and the loss of our creature comforts to include a world war for the second time we finally moved back to family morals and looked to Christ. Then came the 1960's and the cheer went God is dead and our society was locked in a death grip struggle over many things to include abortion, two wage earning parents in the home, kids left to watch TV as it kept them out of underfoot. We took God out of schools,Christmas and anywhere the existed a government function that origins were based on our founding fathers who based their decisions on God.
We used to begin our day with a thanks to God in all things and judged it to be a good or bad day as to how our crops were doing or how hard we worked at our jobs. Today most don't even that God for what he does for us and we base our day to be good or bad by how much we made, who we messed over or what was on TV. Want to see a man get upset beyond belief and destroy his whole day? Hide his TV remote. He will look and get frustrated and begin to yell in no time at all. Yet as much as our own comforts have climbed to the top of the heap our ability to justify sin has become even greater. Today 80 people (many who were children) died today in Norway due to a attack by a claimed Islamic terrorist group. Norway has never in any way been involved with Iran or Afghanistan yet they were targeted by a group that justifies it as a war against western failures to bow to the Islamic society demands, Stop the world I wanna get off. Lord I know I am deserving of Hell and would consider even Purgatory to be a lucky break. Still no matter your just judgement I say come Lord come.
God Bless
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The end of the search part III
So I had planned how I was going to kill them but as I was unable to get on Postal Property to do so. This made things a lot harder as now you would have to get them on route or at home and I really didn't know where they lived. My wife took over the driving as I was told by my Doctor not to drive. I began seeing a Mental Health Councillor as well as a psychologist who administered two tests. The tests were a PAI and a MMPI these test were supposed to be fool proof so I took it as gospel when the results came in. As I was told earlier each test showed severe depression, severe Anxiety and one thing I had not counted on. In the mental health world as well as everyday life the hardest thing mentally to deal with is believe it or not a injustice that you have no way to fight back on or even get closure on it. I didn't know it then but it is somewhat like the Military soldier who sees his buddies die. He can't change it or fix it so he gets like a guilt syndrome or a survivors syndrome. This created anger and more and more hatred. By the time you have a clue what is up you have PTSD.
PTSD can lead to self destructive behavior, marital issues and inability to deal with the world as it is. In other words he withdraws from everything around him and in major cases hallucinations and hearing voices can be included. However the term PTSD is only just getting off the ground and many do not realize it is a permanent condition. It never goes away. It survives off of triggers. We have all heard the stories of Vietnam Veterans upon hearing a helicopter or a loud bang they throw themselves to the ground and either get highly angry of scared to a state of total dysfunction. My medications were increased as I attempted to attack a mail man who had come up from behind me and slapped down some mail on the counter in the store we were in. My wife and 20 year old son had to nearly tackle me as I went into a violent frenzy. These were my triggers Mail Carriers and mail trucks. To this very day I ride in the passenger seat of our vehicle and cover my eyes with a towel to block my vision.
The symptoms got worse and worse as I withdrew from all things outside my home. In a word I was creating a safe zone. Then in April the condition got allot worse. In mid April I awoke for a sleep in the area of 3am. Never in my life not in this lifetime could I explain the fear I felt. It was paralyzing. I had in my mind at the time one option. I was convinced that the only way to end the terror was to kill myself. I had no idea where I was at. Wanting to escape the fear I took my 9mm out of the drawer and placed it to my head. At that moment I did realize I was in my bedroom and managed to put the weapon down and spend the next 15 minutes trying ti calm down. Once I had calmed down I began to realize just how serious and how deep I was into these issues.
I spent the next five months having similar panic attacks as well as there was a great deal of treatment by a psychologist,psychiatrist and a mental health counsellor. I still wanted to kill those who had hurt me as well as those friends of mine who turned their back on me. One night in July I kept getting a feeling a steady and strong feeling. It was telling me "Thou shalt not kill". I tried my best to ignore it as that is not what I wanted to hear. By mid July I had given up on the idea of killing these people. The feeling finally left me much to my happiness. However as July went to August I got restless as a new feeling was overcoming me. This feeling was same as the other but it was saying "You have got to go back. I almost knew from the start what this meant or at least I thought I knew. So I packed up the family and went back to Colorado to visit where I grew up to try and find what I was looking for. However I did not find it and returned home disappointed. I knew I could never be healed but I could fond a way to make peace within myself and those who harmed me.
I began by now a serious historical and traditions orientated study to find God. I was determined as I felt inside it was him I needed most. I studied nearly 3 hours a day and prayed a additional 2 hours. However no matter how I sliced it the same answer came up, the first church was the Catholic Church. Not only that, but as I prayed and studied the Catholic Bible I found that forgiveness,mercy and most of all peace of mind. I decided to attend a Catholic Church and and asked my family one by one if they wanted to go with me. My first trip there was a little weird as I had forgotten allot of what we were supposed to say. I noticed two things right off the Priest who celebrated Mass was wearing jeans under his robes and there was not a expensive sports car in sight. Something else was there also a feeling of peace.
I actually feel in love with being at Mass because being there meant peace and a feeling of safety. I soon made a appointment with The Monsignor spoke with me and said as I had already had my first Communion Sacrament I could go to a Mass of Reconciliation and then after a very deep study of self I went to confession and took Communion for the first time in over 35 years. To say I left the confessional crying was a major understatement I had a ton of sin on me and it was now lifted for the first time in forever.I was cleaned and then decided I had allot to learn about the church and 35 years of being away so I signed up for a RCIA class. My family joined me as they fell in love with the Catholic faith almost immediately. Today we are Catholics who are strong in our faith and ever joyful that we are where we are. We wish to serve Christ in anyway possible. My two oldest sons are third degree Knights in the Knights of Columbus.While I was fortunate enough to get my 4th Degree Knight in June.
It is said the Christ will use bad things to accomplish his will. My wife and I feel firm in our belief that God used allot of bad to get me back where I belonged. As of today I have long since forgave those who hurt me and sought forgiveness for my wanting to kill. The PTSD is still there and as I am told always will be. However I know I am home and want nothing more to glorify God by my words and actions.and bring him honor as I strive to maintain humility in our home. My family is now stronger and The Catholic Church with the help of The Holy Ghost has changed our lives forever.
To anyone who reads this and still feels separation from God, pray and love and then pray some more you will find the Christ is faithful to be there as soon as he can. How much I have changed could be measured by one event. Avery old friend of mine from Okinawa found me on the Internet, We talked and he decided to come down to see us. He arrived and it was like nothing ever changed, as his wife put it "they looked like they were picking up a conversation from yesterday not 23 years ago. The truth was however I had changed my language my mannerisms and my entire way of life changed. Sadly he expected the very same person 23 years ago. But that person died in Christ and was never coming back. He asked what happened to me and I explained about the Church and he decided to go home early. sadly I have not heard from him since.
Forgive me for this long three day story but I feel how the prodigal son within us comes to himself and finds his way home is a very valuable witness. God actually does have mercy and grace in abundance and he is waiting for somebody else to come home. I pray he will find the love and forgiveness I did.
God Bless.
PTSD can lead to self destructive behavior, marital issues and inability to deal with the world as it is. In other words he withdraws from everything around him and in major cases hallucinations and hearing voices can be included. However the term PTSD is only just getting off the ground and many do not realize it is a permanent condition. It never goes away. It survives off of triggers. We have all heard the stories of Vietnam Veterans upon hearing a helicopter or a loud bang they throw themselves to the ground and either get highly angry of scared to a state of total dysfunction. My medications were increased as I attempted to attack a mail man who had come up from behind me and slapped down some mail on the counter in the store we were in. My wife and 20 year old son had to nearly tackle me as I went into a violent frenzy. These were my triggers Mail Carriers and mail trucks. To this very day I ride in the passenger seat of our vehicle and cover my eyes with a towel to block my vision.
The symptoms got worse and worse as I withdrew from all things outside my home. In a word I was creating a safe zone. Then in April the condition got allot worse. In mid April I awoke for a sleep in the area of 3am. Never in my life not in this lifetime could I explain the fear I felt. It was paralyzing. I had in my mind at the time one option. I was convinced that the only way to end the terror was to kill myself. I had no idea where I was at. Wanting to escape the fear I took my 9mm out of the drawer and placed it to my head. At that moment I did realize I was in my bedroom and managed to put the weapon down and spend the next 15 minutes trying ti calm down. Once I had calmed down I began to realize just how serious and how deep I was into these issues.
I spent the next five months having similar panic attacks as well as there was a great deal of treatment by a psychologist,psychiatrist and a mental health counsellor. I still wanted to kill those who had hurt me as well as those friends of mine who turned their back on me. One night in July I kept getting a feeling a steady and strong feeling. It was telling me "Thou shalt not kill". I tried my best to ignore it as that is not what I wanted to hear. By mid July I had given up on the idea of killing these people. The feeling finally left me much to my happiness. However as July went to August I got restless as a new feeling was overcoming me. This feeling was same as the other but it was saying "You have got to go back. I almost knew from the start what this meant or at least I thought I knew. So I packed up the family and went back to Colorado to visit where I grew up to try and find what I was looking for. However I did not find it and returned home disappointed. I knew I could never be healed but I could fond a way to make peace within myself and those who harmed me.
I began by now a serious historical and traditions orientated study to find God. I was determined as I felt inside it was him I needed most. I studied nearly 3 hours a day and prayed a additional 2 hours. However no matter how I sliced it the same answer came up, the first church was the Catholic Church. Not only that, but as I prayed and studied the Catholic Bible I found that forgiveness,mercy and most of all peace of mind. I decided to attend a Catholic Church and and asked my family one by one if they wanted to go with me. My first trip there was a little weird as I had forgotten allot of what we were supposed to say. I noticed two things right off the Priest who celebrated Mass was wearing jeans under his robes and there was not a expensive sports car in sight. Something else was there also a feeling of peace.
I actually feel in love with being at Mass because being there meant peace and a feeling of safety. I soon made a appointment with The Monsignor spoke with me and said as I had already had my first Communion Sacrament I could go to a Mass of Reconciliation and then after a very deep study of self I went to confession and took Communion for the first time in over 35 years. To say I left the confessional crying was a major understatement I had a ton of sin on me and it was now lifted for the first time in forever.I was cleaned and then decided I had allot to learn about the church and 35 years of being away so I signed up for a RCIA class. My family joined me as they fell in love with the Catholic faith almost immediately. Today we are Catholics who are strong in our faith and ever joyful that we are where we are. We wish to serve Christ in anyway possible. My two oldest sons are third degree Knights in the Knights of Columbus.While I was fortunate enough to get my 4th Degree Knight in June.
It is said the Christ will use bad things to accomplish his will. My wife and I feel firm in our belief that God used allot of bad to get me back where I belonged. As of today I have long since forgave those who hurt me and sought forgiveness for my wanting to kill. The PTSD is still there and as I am told always will be. However I know I am home and want nothing more to glorify God by my words and actions.and bring him honor as I strive to maintain humility in our home. My family is now stronger and The Catholic Church with the help of The Holy Ghost has changed our lives forever.
To anyone who reads this and still feels separation from God, pray and love and then pray some more you will find the Christ is faithful to be there as soon as he can. How much I have changed could be measured by one event. Avery old friend of mine from Okinawa found me on the Internet, We talked and he decided to come down to see us. He arrived and it was like nothing ever changed, as his wife put it "they looked like they were picking up a conversation from yesterday not 23 years ago. The truth was however I had changed my language my mannerisms and my entire way of life changed. Sadly he expected the very same person 23 years ago. But that person died in Christ and was never coming back. He asked what happened to me and I explained about the Church and he decided to go home early. sadly I have not heard from him since.
Forgive me for this long three day story but I feel how the prodigal son within us comes to himself and finds his way home is a very valuable witness. God actually does have mercy and grace in abundance and he is waiting for somebody else to come home. I pray he will find the love and forgiveness I did.
God Bless.
a life of sin a life of grace
Once divorced from my first wife I began a search for God. I still had little notion of God but was now was searching all over to fill what I was beginning to feel as a hole in my heart. I began going to a Baptist Church because I had a close friend who recommended the church. I poured some time into the church even being a youth leader. I was respected at the church but it was short lived. I met a young lady who I became "active" with. However the situation was made worse as she failed to mention she was married and her husband was overseas. I did not find out about this until he came home from leave. Needless to say the end came quickly. I went several more months to this church but already had serious doubts. After a while I cried to God to send me someone to love. A week later I met my current wife we have been married for 23 years but not without serious issues.
I married my wife on May 7 1988. less than a month later I was under orders to report to a new duty assignment in Berlin Germany. I departed in June and my wife followed 2 months later in August. Berlin was a great assignment for both of us we spent four years there and were witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall as well as the reunification of East and West Germany. Early in our marriage due to her upbringing she had incredibly low self esteem. She was reliant on me to do everything. I taught her everything from cooking to laundry As well as how to set up Doctor appointments etc. However I began to resent having to work and run the entire house as my wife could not or was too insecure to do anything. Extramarital affairs would be common for the next 9 years.
Finally I was tossed out of the Army along with many others due to a draw down of military forces after the German Reunion. Everything I thought was going to be my life was erased in about 30 days. I suddenly had no future no plan and a family to support and no idea how to do it. I arrived in El Paso (where I would call home for a while). I found the job market impossible as knowing the Spanish language was essential and I had no capability to speak or understand it. So every job I found was minimum wage not able to afford a home living with my wife's parents as well as falling behind bills as well as child support my frustration continued to build very fast. However I was still feeling the hole in myself as God had not yet been found by myself and I kept believing I could fix it I needed nobody.
About 5 months later my wife's friend came to visit her Mom and ran into my wife. She told my wife how great the job market was in Tennessee and how much better the pay was. We decided to move to Tennessee and try to make a living there. Again when I got there there was not get rich quick jobs. I quickly learned there was two types of people in this environment poor and rich and you stayed where you were as many doors were closed to the wrong social class. However I took a job at a restaurant as a manager in training it did not pay allot but it was better than minimum wage. However again there was no hope of taking care of all that I needed to do to support my family and child support. We were even forced to food stamps as we were between rent,gas,utilities etc we were losing 12.00 dollars a month every month no matter what we did. My frustration grew as did my marital indiscretions. After 7 months we gave up and returned to Texas. I had confessed all the indiscretions to my wife and returned to her parents house which was very tenuous as they knew what happened also. I always considered it a miracle my wife forgave me. It showed me how much of a better person she was than I. I was in the darkest of sin and now came the long slow process to climb out.
Texas was not the friendly state anymore. Her family had been against our marriage from day 1 and now they would have justification. For me it was a living hell self made. I wished so hard to go back in time and undo all I had done but going back was impossible. However my in laws were attending a Pentecostal Church and perhaps this was what I was looking for. I never had God in my life but I was looking. I went to the Pentecostal Church and was told if I accepted Jesus all I had to do is confess my sins to him and I was heaven bound. Suddenly in my mind Jesus was a great guy I could mess up all I wanted to and I was assured heaven. Given the level sin I was lost in it was a easy way out. However after years I was still somehow unfulfilled as I could never figure out how he would ask money from some very poor people and drive a new car every year.I would not have minded so much if it was a Toyota. But a Lexus followed by a Lamborghini showed me he was in it for the money and I quickly became disenchanted.
After years of everything going badly for my family as myself. I was pleading to God to hold back his hand of punishment or at least make me the target and not let my family be punished for my sins. In October I took the test to work for the Post Office and I passed with a high score. I was hired in November to work as a Rural Mail Carrier. Finally things began to get better. Working for a better wage gave us the ability to get our own home and vehicle and furniture. How ever our credit was a disaster after many years of disastrous jobs. It was a job I enjoyed and I excelled in it. I went to work at 7am and got home around 5 pm. Having learned from my sinful past I was home with my family whenever I was not at work. Over time our Marriage became stronger and stronger and we were a close family unit. After seven years I began to have trouble with my knees. This was due to aggravating them at work as that I had already injured them in the Army.
On September 9 2009 work finally became too painful to continue. I was coming home and having to get off my feet totally after work for the rest of the evening. Finally I reported a work injury and began the long process to get a approval. I was without pay for six months, four months behind on my house, considering suicide as a way out of it. I did not know it at the time but I was severely depressed and had severe levels of anxiety. I finally got a letter they accepted my case on March 1 and was called almost as quickly by the Post Office to begin light duty on March 2. The issue was much more complicated than what ti appeared. I had allot of months to build a large grudge against the Post Office and some individuals in it. I reported to work on March 2 2010 and was immediately taunted and verbally attack. Even my own Brother In Law joined in. This had made me very angry as that I and my wife had helped them many times when they were in need. I reported the harassment and as fast as I reported it. It was swept under the rug. The only people who witnessed this were the people who taunted me and attacked me. As a basic investigation began every witness of course denied all knowledge of the incident. There was a unknown person who called District Headquarters about it but he never came forward. On March 26 I woke up and informed my wife I could not handle the attacks anymore as that now even our home was being vandalized.
With no psychological defenses due to all I had been through before I had time to form of hate that turned in to a desire to kill 5 people, I had a plan and even went out and bought the gun. Although I hate the term I was about to go "Postal". When I went for the last time to find out what was being done about my harassment case. I was told nothing could be done because of no witnesses. It made it even harder to take that the supervisor I was speaking to partied with these people who had attacked me. I was at the point of receiving death threats and getting damage done to my house as well as my vehicles on a regular basis. When the supervisor told me nothing could be done my wife who was with me said my entire face went completely blank showing no emotion and worse of all a anger in my eyes that scared the supervisor as I was told to exit off Postal Property. Soon after I was banned for life from any Postal premises. I wanted these people dead, and after having a nervous breakdown in my Doctors Office I was advised to seek professional help. It was here that things were either going to get very ugly or turn around but to me neither mattered I wanted them dead,
Part III tomorrow as the plan unfolds.
I married my wife on May 7 1988. less than a month later I was under orders to report to a new duty assignment in Berlin Germany. I departed in June and my wife followed 2 months later in August. Berlin was a great assignment for both of us we spent four years there and were witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall as well as the reunification of East and West Germany. Early in our marriage due to her upbringing she had incredibly low self esteem. She was reliant on me to do everything. I taught her everything from cooking to laundry As well as how to set up Doctor appointments etc. However I began to resent having to work and run the entire house as my wife could not or was too insecure to do anything. Extramarital affairs would be common for the next 9 years.
Finally I was tossed out of the Army along with many others due to a draw down of military forces after the German Reunion. Everything I thought was going to be my life was erased in about 30 days. I suddenly had no future no plan and a family to support and no idea how to do it. I arrived in El Paso (where I would call home for a while). I found the job market impossible as knowing the Spanish language was essential and I had no capability to speak or understand it. So every job I found was minimum wage not able to afford a home living with my wife's parents as well as falling behind bills as well as child support my frustration continued to build very fast. However I was still feeling the hole in myself as God had not yet been found by myself and I kept believing I could fix it I needed nobody.
About 5 months later my wife's friend came to visit her Mom and ran into my wife. She told my wife how great the job market was in Tennessee and how much better the pay was. We decided to move to Tennessee and try to make a living there. Again when I got there there was not get rich quick jobs. I quickly learned there was two types of people in this environment poor and rich and you stayed where you were as many doors were closed to the wrong social class. However I took a job at a restaurant as a manager in training it did not pay allot but it was better than minimum wage. However again there was no hope of taking care of all that I needed to do to support my family and child support. We were even forced to food stamps as we were between rent,gas,utilities etc we were losing 12.00 dollars a month every month no matter what we did. My frustration grew as did my marital indiscretions. After 7 months we gave up and returned to Texas. I had confessed all the indiscretions to my wife and returned to her parents house which was very tenuous as they knew what happened also. I always considered it a miracle my wife forgave me. It showed me how much of a better person she was than I. I was in the darkest of sin and now came the long slow process to climb out.
Texas was not the friendly state anymore. Her family had been against our marriage from day 1 and now they would have justification. For me it was a living hell self made. I wished so hard to go back in time and undo all I had done but going back was impossible. However my in laws were attending a Pentecostal Church and perhaps this was what I was looking for. I never had God in my life but I was looking. I went to the Pentecostal Church and was told if I accepted Jesus all I had to do is confess my sins to him and I was heaven bound. Suddenly in my mind Jesus was a great guy I could mess up all I wanted to and I was assured heaven. Given the level sin I was lost in it was a easy way out. However after years I was still somehow unfulfilled as I could never figure out how he would ask money from some very poor people and drive a new car every year.I would not have minded so much if it was a Toyota. But a Lexus followed by a Lamborghini showed me he was in it for the money and I quickly became disenchanted.
After years of everything going badly for my family as myself. I was pleading to God to hold back his hand of punishment or at least make me the target and not let my family be punished for my sins. In October I took the test to work for the Post Office and I passed with a high score. I was hired in November to work as a Rural Mail Carrier. Finally things began to get better. Working for a better wage gave us the ability to get our own home and vehicle and furniture. How ever our credit was a disaster after many years of disastrous jobs. It was a job I enjoyed and I excelled in it. I went to work at 7am and got home around 5 pm. Having learned from my sinful past I was home with my family whenever I was not at work. Over time our Marriage became stronger and stronger and we were a close family unit. After seven years I began to have trouble with my knees. This was due to aggravating them at work as that I had already injured them in the Army.
On September 9 2009 work finally became too painful to continue. I was coming home and having to get off my feet totally after work for the rest of the evening. Finally I reported a work injury and began the long process to get a approval. I was without pay for six months, four months behind on my house, considering suicide as a way out of it. I did not know it at the time but I was severely depressed and had severe levels of anxiety. I finally got a letter they accepted my case on March 1 and was called almost as quickly by the Post Office to begin light duty on March 2. The issue was much more complicated than what ti appeared. I had allot of months to build a large grudge against the Post Office and some individuals in it. I reported to work on March 2 2010 and was immediately taunted and verbally attack. Even my own Brother In Law joined in. This had made me very angry as that I and my wife had helped them many times when they were in need. I reported the harassment and as fast as I reported it. It was swept under the rug. The only people who witnessed this were the people who taunted me and attacked me. As a basic investigation began every witness of course denied all knowledge of the incident. There was a unknown person who called District Headquarters about it but he never came forward. On March 26 I woke up and informed my wife I could not handle the attacks anymore as that now even our home was being vandalized.
With no psychological defenses due to all I had been through before I had time to form of hate that turned in to a desire to kill 5 people, I had a plan and even went out and bought the gun. Although I hate the term I was about to go "Postal". When I went for the last time to find out what was being done about my harassment case. I was told nothing could be done because of no witnesses. It made it even harder to take that the supervisor I was speaking to partied with these people who had attacked me. I was at the point of receiving death threats and getting damage done to my house as well as my vehicles on a regular basis. When the supervisor told me nothing could be done my wife who was with me said my entire face went completely blank showing no emotion and worse of all a anger in my eyes that scared the supervisor as I was told to exit off Postal Property. Soon after I was banned for life from any Postal premises. I wanted these people dead, and after having a nervous breakdown in my Doctors Office I was advised to seek professional help. It was here that things were either going to get very ugly or turn around but to me neither mattered I wanted them dead,
Part III tomorrow as the plan unfolds.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A life of sin to a life of faith
I cannot explain what brings people around to faith but I can tell you with me it was allot. At age 18 to 31 I had completed 13 years in the military. I had expected to do 20 years but when the draw down came and in failing health I was let go by the Army. During my time in the Army I was assigned in the Military Intelligence field. The job was easy but had two traditions. The first was that we drank. The second was that sexual promiscuity was practiced with a level of grandeur ever seen.
When you are young from your teenage years to about 25 years older (with some more with other less). You have a sense of being bullet proof and ten feet tall. Sure you know that if war began you had perhaps 30 seconds to live but inside you always felt not gonna happen to me. While stationed at my first tour of duty which was in Okinawa Japan. I had a ball but there was no thought of the sins you are committing or how much hurt you are causing Jesus. At this point in my life I knew of him but knew nothing about him. Drinking most every night and partaking in sex outside of marriage every chance I got. I was very popular there because I was of the world and living in the world.
I left Okinawa Japan with many friends some I talk to to this day and others I don't. I was then shipped off to Fort Carson Colorado. I was 21 as well as a Sergent and was exposed to a very different surrounding's. This was one of the units that if war came would be in actual combat unlike in Okinawa where we were a fixed site. The work here was to prepare for war and train to perform in that environment. One of my first problems while there was I was dumped by a girlfriend in Okinawa and rebounded so hard that seven months later I was getting married (note never do this). She by all means was a lovely girl who at first accepted the me that drank,smoked and partied with friends. However after my marriage she became just the opposite. She wanted me to stop smoking,drinking and no more parties. Her family was Pentecostal and although I met her in a bar and that she smoked and partied did not matter. She wanted me to change everything about me. However I was Army proud and resented this sudden demand for change as I believed when she said " I do not want to change you" I took it serious. Two weeks after marriage the subject of divorce came up. Despite this ominous sign we remained married and we were sent to Hawaii. It was at this time she became pregnant and left the military.
Hawaii was yet another fixed site so discipline was lax and I after having been in a different world for 18 months once again I had trouble adjusting. I was also trying to see things my wife's way. I stopped drinking and never partied so to say the least I was on the very outer ring of the popular crowd. This led to harassment and taunting that were at the least a irritation to me. To make matters worse my wife got homesick and I had to send her home 5 times. It was on the 5th time she stayed home and when I came home on leave it was constant fighting and threats of divorce. My anger got the best of me one time and I left Idaho where she was at and flew to my home in Colorado, A few days later she called and asked me to come back. I flew back up to Idaho but there was now a unspoken distance between us. My wife apparently had come to the conclusion that a child might glue our relationship together. The second child was a boy and I really loved both of my children but spent more time with my daughter as I really did not know how to interact with a infant. She had the child and soon after went home for good. I got a letter a couple of months later demanding I get out of the Army by any means possible. But by then I was dealing with much more issues that had tragic consequences.
In December 1985 it was usual that allot of people wanted to go home for the holidays however mission manning would not let everybody go home. I had a young lady in my squad whom I knew as well as her husband they were good people. She came to me and asked for leave to go home Christmas. Her husband was staying due to somebody needing to watch the house and hold down the fort. At first her leave was denied and she was told she could not go home. However she had non-refundable airplane tickets so I got involved and fought and hollered until I was blue in the face. She was given her leave and I told her I would see her after Christmas. With my wife in the states I had returned to some bad habits. Mainly these were drinking and partying. However it was no where near the level it had been before. Hawaii is a town where University kids take spring break. So it is a land of rock and roll and drinking and was definitely for the younger set. I was 24 then and was into as always my country music. I stood out like a sore thumb, so going out was very rare.I was just beginning to try to figure this religion thing out so perhaps I could return to my wife a total Pentecostal and our marriage would be saved.
CQ's mouth were horrifying. She had been killed in a auto accident in Dallas as she was headed home after a church choir performance. Although the news hit me like a ton of bricks my professionalism took over (I was on auto pilot). I asked if the Commanding Officer knew and was told no. I then called him informing him what had happened. Noe as per protocol he and a Chaplin were to go to her husbands home to provide comfort and spiritual support. What happened only made matters worse. I was told to go over there and spend time with him and make sure he was OK and in the morning I would lead the CO and the Chaplin to where they had lived. My job was finished and I returned to base and tried to sleep. Sadly a feeling was coming over me that I could not identify mainly because I was just too tired to worry about it. Three days after her death I was to deliver her Eulogy at a memorial service held for her in Hawaii. There was a knock at my door as I was informed I was 10 minutes late for this service. I get into my dress uniform and shaved etc in record time and ran for the Church. I arrived and could hear the ridicule in whispers as I walked to the stand. The whispers did not matter as I had finally found why I was so tired. I was in a deep depression and I felt responsible for her death. I fought to get her the leave and she would not have been there to die if I didn't fight to get her leave approved.
I delivered what my Commander declared the best Eulogy he had ever heard. (He even used it a month later for a friend of mine who had a massive heart attack and died during a PT test). All the whispers of ridicule disappeared also as many were moved. It came from the heart like I had never written before. I felt responsible for her death and poured my heart into this Eulogy. This also was the first time in my adult life I used Bible quotes during a speech. There were many times I would hear taps played as I got off my duty shift and silently cried to myself, even today it tugs at my heart strings very hard. It was also during this time I told my wife I was not leaving the military until my enlistment was over. I tried to explain what was going on with me at that time but I was told "I don't care". I went through the rest of my assignment on auto pilot. I did all the things I was supposed to do and even more, but inside I was dead there was almost no feeling within me. I really didn't care if I lived or died.
I was sent to my next assignment at Fort Bliss Texas and my wife and I were on different planets despite my best effort to accept her faith. However there was just something about her faith I did not feel good about and this retarded any progress made in that faith. Ft Bliss was another unit who when war came they would go to war. I from day one accepted and respected as a member of the unit. I knew what I was doing and was not afraid to call it like I saw it. I was given a squad of troops and we formed a great team that respected and even liked each other. However home was nothing like that. I was working late hours and at times worked long hours just to escape another fight. All my life I had hated to argue and fight, I had seen to much of it as my Father (a drinker at that time) and my Step Mother would fight to the point of throwing punches. I did not want any part of this type of life. I returned home one day and my wife sat on the bed I was sitting on and said "I don't think I want to be married anymore". Her Sister had just left for Idaho after a two week stay with us and I figured I was doomed no matter what. However she hung on about a week longer and I could see she was miserable. So I finally told her "I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore". She said nothing but walked outside for about 10 minutes and then stated she was going to sleep on the couch. I said OK a went to bed. about 4:30 Am I awoke and kissed my children goodbye. I did not realize at that time I would never see them again. It has been 24 years since that day I have never seen them since.
I was hoping for a friendly divorce and sadly did not get it as my now ex-wife was making my life as hard as she could. I found out some 21 years later through a e-mail that she has hidden every letter I ever wrote my children and my son was raised to believe I never wanted him. She was not alone in the reasons for the divorce I was proud and full ego. Nothing came between me and my job as I was dedicated to military service. I was 27 years old with a failed marriage and absolutely no idea except a very vague belief that if I was saved once it didn't matter what I did I was saved and going to heaven and didn't have to worry about a thing. I had fire insurance.
Part II tomorrow
* As stated there is allot of things not too like in my past. you will see more, I ask however that you understand the intent of these postings is to show just how much God can forgive and still bring you back home.
When you are young from your teenage years to about 25 years older (with some more with other less). You have a sense of being bullet proof and ten feet tall. Sure you know that if war began you had perhaps 30 seconds to live but inside you always felt not gonna happen to me. While stationed at my first tour of duty which was in Okinawa Japan. I had a ball but there was no thought of the sins you are committing or how much hurt you are causing Jesus. At this point in my life I knew of him but knew nothing about him. Drinking most every night and partaking in sex outside of marriage every chance I got. I was very popular there because I was of the world and living in the world.
I left Okinawa Japan with many friends some I talk to to this day and others I don't. I was then shipped off to Fort Carson Colorado. I was 21 as well as a Sergent and was exposed to a very different surrounding's. This was one of the units that if war came would be in actual combat unlike in Okinawa where we were a fixed site. The work here was to prepare for war and train to perform in that environment. One of my first problems while there was I was dumped by a girlfriend in Okinawa and rebounded so hard that seven months later I was getting married (note never do this). She by all means was a lovely girl who at first accepted the me that drank,smoked and partied with friends. However after my marriage she became just the opposite. She wanted me to stop smoking,drinking and no more parties. Her family was Pentecostal and although I met her in a bar and that she smoked and partied did not matter. She wanted me to change everything about me. However I was Army proud and resented this sudden demand for change as I believed when she said " I do not want to change you" I took it serious. Two weeks after marriage the subject of divorce came up. Despite this ominous sign we remained married and we were sent to Hawaii. It was at this time she became pregnant and left the military.
Hawaii was yet another fixed site so discipline was lax and I after having been in a different world for 18 months once again I had trouble adjusting. I was also trying to see things my wife's way. I stopped drinking and never partied so to say the least I was on the very outer ring of the popular crowd. This led to harassment and taunting that were at the least a irritation to me. To make matters worse my wife got homesick and I had to send her home 5 times. It was on the 5th time she stayed home and when I came home on leave it was constant fighting and threats of divorce. My anger got the best of me one time and I left Idaho where she was at and flew to my home in Colorado, A few days later she called and asked me to come back. I flew back up to Idaho but there was now a unspoken distance between us. My wife apparently had come to the conclusion that a child might glue our relationship together. The second child was a boy and I really loved both of my children but spent more time with my daughter as I really did not know how to interact with a infant. She had the child and soon after went home for good. I got a letter a couple of months later demanding I get out of the Army by any means possible. But by then I was dealing with much more issues that had tragic consequences.
In December 1985 it was usual that allot of people wanted to go home for the holidays however mission manning would not let everybody go home. I had a young lady in my squad whom I knew as well as her husband they were good people. She came to me and asked for leave to go home Christmas. Her husband was staying due to somebody needing to watch the house and hold down the fort. At first her leave was denied and she was told she could not go home. However she had non-refundable airplane tickets so I got involved and fought and hollered until I was blue in the face. She was given her leave and I told her I would see her after Christmas. With my wife in the states I had returned to some bad habits. Mainly these were drinking and partying. However it was no where near the level it had been before. Hawaii is a town where University kids take spring break. So it is a land of rock and roll and drinking and was definitely for the younger set. I was 24 then and was into as always my country music. I stood out like a sore thumb, so going out was very rare.I was just beginning to try to figure this religion thing out so perhaps I could return to my wife a total Pentecostal and our marriage would be saved.
CQ's mouth were horrifying. She had been killed in a auto accident in Dallas as she was headed home after a church choir performance. Although the news hit me like a ton of bricks my professionalism took over (I was on auto pilot). I asked if the Commanding Officer knew and was told no. I then called him informing him what had happened. Noe as per protocol he and a Chaplin were to go to her husbands home to provide comfort and spiritual support. What happened only made matters worse. I was told to go over there and spend time with him and make sure he was OK and in the morning I would lead the CO and the Chaplin to where they had lived. My job was finished and I returned to base and tried to sleep. Sadly a feeling was coming over me that I could not identify mainly because I was just too tired to worry about it. Three days after her death I was to deliver her Eulogy at a memorial service held for her in Hawaii. There was a knock at my door as I was informed I was 10 minutes late for this service. I get into my dress uniform and shaved etc in record time and ran for the Church. I arrived and could hear the ridicule in whispers as I walked to the stand. The whispers did not matter as I had finally found why I was so tired. I was in a deep depression and I felt responsible for her death. I fought to get her the leave and she would not have been there to die if I didn't fight to get her leave approved.
I delivered what my Commander declared the best Eulogy he had ever heard. (He even used it a month later for a friend of mine who had a massive heart attack and died during a PT test). All the whispers of ridicule disappeared also as many were moved. It came from the heart like I had never written before. I felt responsible for her death and poured my heart into this Eulogy. This also was the first time in my adult life I used Bible quotes during a speech. There were many times I would hear taps played as I got off my duty shift and silently cried to myself, even today it tugs at my heart strings very hard. It was also during this time I told my wife I was not leaving the military until my enlistment was over. I tried to explain what was going on with me at that time but I was told "I don't care". I went through the rest of my assignment on auto pilot. I did all the things I was supposed to do and even more, but inside I was dead there was almost no feeling within me. I really didn't care if I lived or died.
I was sent to my next assignment at Fort Bliss Texas and my wife and I were on different planets despite my best effort to accept her faith. However there was just something about her faith I did not feel good about and this retarded any progress made in that faith. Ft Bliss was another unit who when war came they would go to war. I from day one accepted and respected as a member of the unit. I knew what I was doing and was not afraid to call it like I saw it. I was given a squad of troops and we formed a great team that respected and even liked each other. However home was nothing like that. I was working late hours and at times worked long hours just to escape another fight. All my life I had hated to argue and fight, I had seen to much of it as my Father (a drinker at that time) and my Step Mother would fight to the point of throwing punches. I did not want any part of this type of life. I returned home one day and my wife sat on the bed I was sitting on and said "I don't think I want to be married anymore". Her Sister had just left for Idaho after a two week stay with us and I figured I was doomed no matter what. However she hung on about a week longer and I could see she was miserable. So I finally told her "I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore". She said nothing but walked outside for about 10 minutes and then stated she was going to sleep on the couch. I said OK a went to bed. about 4:30 Am I awoke and kissed my children goodbye. I did not realize at that time I would never see them again. It has been 24 years since that day I have never seen them since.
I was hoping for a friendly divorce and sadly did not get it as my now ex-wife was making my life as hard as she could. I found out some 21 years later through a e-mail that she has hidden every letter I ever wrote my children and my son was raised to believe I never wanted him. She was not alone in the reasons for the divorce I was proud and full ego. Nothing came between me and my job as I was dedicated to military service. I was 27 years old with a failed marriage and absolutely no idea except a very vague belief that if I was saved once it didn't matter what I did I was saved and going to heaven and didn't have to worry about a thing. I had fire insurance.
Part II tomorrow
* As stated there is allot of things not too like in my past. you will see more, I ask however that you understand the intent of these postings is to show just how much God can forgive and still bring you back home.
Friday, July 15, 2011
That Special feeling
Hey All,
Have you ever been riding in a car or sitting at home a feel a joy and sense of peace fall upon you that no words could describe. I had spent some time in the Pentecostal faith and was told that the Spirit would come upon me when I needed him and he was a real presence. However I must have been at the wrong bus stop because I never felt anything at all. This in and of itself was enough to drive me crazy! I was told of many cures for this issue. The main one was that I did not speak in tongues. So I gave that a try and the preacher prayed and sweated over me in a effort to get these spiritual words out of me. In fact I got so tired of standing there and made some noises just so he would quit before he had a brain aneurysm.
I was told I did not pray enough and I then began a prayer life of epic proportions. This didn't work so I was told there was some sin I had not confessed to Christ and this held me back. I went through allot of actions asking for forgiveness but all I got from this was a really bad feeling about myself. Finally after I had tried many many cures I was told the same thing those who go to healing conferences and get no healing "You just don't believe enough". This line was so good I took it home and fertilized my backyard with it. I have always believed in God, Noah's Ark and all the other Old Testament stories I took for fact and have not questioned them at all. The closest problem I can admit to was at that time I was sort of holding God at a arms distance. Something good happens praise the lord! something bad comes along, don't worry I can fix this all by myself. I talked at God often but rarely listened and only when I wanted somthing
I returned to the Catholic faith last year due to some life events that had happened and was from the start on fire. I prayed 3 to 4 hours a day, said the Rosary and the Divine Chaplet daily and prayed for lost souls in Purgatory and all other kinds of things. I was a student on what was proper to do during a Mass and what was improper.Needless to say the veils on my wife and daughter made us stand out as it was but add that to bowing to the Priest as he processed in and out of Mass. Not holding our hands up when saying "and also with you" as well as tapping the chest three times when in the Lord's Prayer say and forgive us our trespasses. We weren't to say the social stars of our Church but we did not mind we worshipped in accordance with the ways of tradition all but forgotten these days.
It was during this time I was at my happiest and at the most peace. The Church became less of a place I had to go and more of a place I loved to go. Just walking in to Mass my wife would hear me say very softly. "I love it here".
It was also during this time that my first experience with the presence of the Holy Ghost came to pass. I was riding in a car and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of peace and joy beyond explanation. It was a feeling that if you ever had you never wanted to lose everything was Good and there was nothing that had to be worried about because you knew (not guessed) but knew Christ was in control. These feelings would last perhaps a few minutes to a couple of hours and during these time all you could do was praise God because nothing mattered more than that at that moment. It was the best I had felt ever and as it happened again and again I never wanted it to stop. However I found that it could stop. Let you prayer life fade and miss a Mass or two and that is all it takes. Now when I say miss a Mass or two I should say we were on vacation traveling. However this is a very poor excuse to miss Mass. If I had out some effort into it I could have found a Church where I was.
Once these first slips are made it is a very slippery slope and it takes allot of effort to begin again. The great this is that when you do begin again Christ returns and all is as it was. While this is a true sign of the forgiveness of Christ I would caution all that the suffering you feel while separated is of such unhappiness I pray none would find themselves in the absence of the presence of Christ, Sickness and fatigue are just two examples of what you must battle to get back on the correct path. Yet if you get by these times and pray for God to put you back on the path you will find yourself there before you know it. There is nothing like being in the presence of the Holy Ghost and nothing else compares to it. Once you experience it you will never want to lose it and if you do once there will not be a second time.
The next few blogs I will post will be about my life before being Catholic and what happened in my life to
Until then God Bless You All!
Have you ever been riding in a car or sitting at home a feel a joy and sense of peace fall upon you that no words could describe. I had spent some time in the Pentecostal faith and was told that the Spirit would come upon me when I needed him and he was a real presence. However I must have been at the wrong bus stop because I never felt anything at all. This in and of itself was enough to drive me crazy! I was told of many cures for this issue. The main one was that I did not speak in tongues. So I gave that a try and the preacher prayed and sweated over me in a effort to get these spiritual words out of me. In fact I got so tired of standing there and made some noises just so he would quit before he had a brain aneurysm.
I was told I did not pray enough and I then began a prayer life of epic proportions. This didn't work so I was told there was some sin I had not confessed to Christ and this held me back. I went through allot of actions asking for forgiveness but all I got from this was a really bad feeling about myself. Finally after I had tried many many cures I was told the same thing those who go to healing conferences and get no healing "You just don't believe enough". This line was so good I took it home and fertilized my backyard with it. I have always believed in God, Noah's Ark and all the other Old Testament stories I took for fact and have not questioned them at all. The closest problem I can admit to was at that time I was sort of holding God at a arms distance. Something good happens praise the lord! something bad comes along, don't worry I can fix this all by myself. I talked at God often but rarely listened and only when I wanted somthing
I returned to the Catholic faith last year due to some life events that had happened and was from the start on fire. I prayed 3 to 4 hours a day, said the Rosary and the Divine Chaplet daily and prayed for lost souls in Purgatory and all other kinds of things. I was a student on what was proper to do during a Mass and what was improper.Needless to say the veils on my wife and daughter made us stand out as it was but add that to bowing to the Priest as he processed in and out of Mass. Not holding our hands up when saying "and also with you" as well as tapping the chest three times when in the Lord's Prayer say and forgive us our trespasses. We weren't to say the social stars of our Church but we did not mind we worshipped in accordance with the ways of tradition all but forgotten these days.
It was during this time I was at my happiest and at the most peace. The Church became less of a place I had to go and more of a place I loved to go. Just walking in to Mass my wife would hear me say very softly. "I love it here".
It was also during this time that my first experience with the presence of the Holy Ghost came to pass. I was riding in a car and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of peace and joy beyond explanation. It was a feeling that if you ever had you never wanted to lose everything was Good and there was nothing that had to be worried about because you knew (not guessed) but knew Christ was in control. These feelings would last perhaps a few minutes to a couple of hours and during these time all you could do was praise God because nothing mattered more than that at that moment. It was the best I had felt ever and as it happened again and again I never wanted it to stop. However I found that it could stop. Let you prayer life fade and miss a Mass or two and that is all it takes. Now when I say miss a Mass or two I should say we were on vacation traveling. However this is a very poor excuse to miss Mass. If I had out some effort into it I could have found a Church where I was.
Once these first slips are made it is a very slippery slope and it takes allot of effort to begin again. The great this is that when you do begin again Christ returns and all is as it was. While this is a true sign of the forgiveness of Christ I would caution all that the suffering you feel while separated is of such unhappiness I pray none would find themselves in the absence of the presence of Christ, Sickness and fatigue are just two examples of what you must battle to get back on the correct path. Yet if you get by these times and pray for God to put you back on the path you will find yourself there before you know it. There is nothing like being in the presence of the Holy Ghost and nothing else compares to it. Once you experience it you will never want to lose it and if you do once there will not be a second time.
The next few blogs I will post will be about my life before being Catholic and what happened in my life to
Until then God Bless You All!
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