So I had planned how I was going to kill them but as I was unable to get on Postal Property to do so. This made things a lot harder as now you would have to get them on route or at home and I really didn't know where they lived. My wife took over the driving as I was told by my Doctor not to drive. I began seeing a Mental Health Councillor as well as a psychologist who administered two tests. The tests were a PAI and a MMPI these test were supposed to be fool proof so I took it as gospel when the results came in. As I was told earlier each test showed severe depression, severe Anxiety and one thing I had not counted on. In the mental health world as well as everyday life the hardest thing mentally to deal with is believe it or not a injustice that you have no way to fight back on or even get closure on it. I didn't know it then but it is somewhat like the Military soldier who sees his buddies die. He can't change it or fix it so he gets like a guilt syndrome or a survivors syndrome. This created anger and more and more hatred. By the time you have a clue what is up you have PTSD.
PTSD can lead to self destructive behavior, marital issues and inability to deal with the world as it is. In other words he withdraws from everything around him and in major cases hallucinations and hearing voices can be included. However the term PTSD is only just getting off the ground and many do not realize it is a permanent condition. It never goes away. It survives off of triggers. We have all heard the stories of Vietnam Veterans upon hearing a helicopter or a loud bang they throw themselves to the ground and either get highly angry of scared to a state of total dysfunction. My medications were increased as I attempted to attack a mail man who had come up from behind me and slapped down some mail on the counter in the store we were in. My wife and 20 year old son had to nearly tackle me as I went into a violent frenzy. These were my triggers Mail Carriers and mail trucks. To this very day I ride in the passenger seat of our vehicle and cover my eyes with a towel to block my vision.
The symptoms got worse and worse as I withdrew from all things outside my home. In a word I was creating a safe zone. Then in April the condition got allot worse. In mid April I awoke for a sleep in the area of 3am. Never in my life not in this lifetime could I explain the fear I felt. It was paralyzing. I had in my mind at the time one option. I was convinced that the only way to end the terror was to kill myself. I had no idea where I was at. Wanting to escape the fear I took my 9mm out of the drawer and placed it to my head. At that moment I did realize I was in my bedroom and managed to put the weapon down and spend the next 15 minutes trying ti calm down. Once I had calmed down I began to realize just how serious and how deep I was into these issues.
I spent the next five months having similar panic attacks as well as there was a great deal of treatment by a psychologist,psychiatrist and a mental health counsellor. I still wanted to kill those who had hurt me as well as those friends of mine who turned their back on me. One night in July I kept getting a feeling a steady and strong feeling. It was telling me "Thou shalt not kill". I tried my best to ignore it as that is not what I wanted to hear. By mid July I had given up on the idea of killing these people. The feeling finally left me much to my happiness. However as July went to August I got restless as a new feeling was overcoming me. This feeling was same as the other but it was saying "You have got to go back. I almost knew from the start what this meant or at least I thought I knew. So I packed up the family and went back to Colorado to visit where I grew up to try and find what I was looking for. However I did not find it and returned home disappointed. I knew I could never be healed but I could fond a way to make peace within myself and those who harmed me.
I began by now a serious historical and traditions orientated study to find God. I was determined as I felt inside it was him I needed most. I studied nearly 3 hours a day and prayed a additional 2 hours. However no matter how I sliced it the same answer came up, the first church was the Catholic Church. Not only that, but as I prayed and studied the Catholic Bible I found that forgiveness,mercy and most of all peace of mind. I decided to attend a Catholic Church and and asked my family one by one if they wanted to go with me. My first trip there was a little weird as I had forgotten allot of what we were supposed to say. I noticed two things right off the Priest who celebrated Mass was wearing jeans under his robes and there was not a expensive sports car in sight. Something else was there also a feeling of peace.
I actually feel in love with being at Mass because being there meant peace and a feeling of safety. I soon made a appointment with The Monsignor spoke with me and said as I had already had my first Communion Sacrament I could go to a Mass of Reconciliation and then after a very deep study of self I went to confession and took Communion for the first time in over 35 years. To say I left the confessional crying was a major understatement I had a ton of sin on me and it was now lifted for the first time in forever.I was cleaned and then decided I had allot to learn about the church and 35 years of being away so I signed up for a RCIA class. My family joined me as they fell in love with the Catholic faith almost immediately. Today we are Catholics who are strong in our faith and ever joyful that we are where we are. We wish to serve Christ in anyway possible. My two oldest sons are third degree Knights in the Knights of Columbus.While I was fortunate enough to get my 4th Degree Knight in June.
It is said the Christ will use bad things to accomplish his will. My wife and I feel firm in our belief that God used allot of bad to get me back where I belonged. As of today I have long since forgave those who hurt me and sought forgiveness for my wanting to kill. The PTSD is still there and as I am told always will be. However I know I am home and want nothing more to glorify God by my words and actions.and bring him honor as I strive to maintain humility in our home. My family is now stronger and The Catholic Church with the help of The Holy Ghost has changed our lives forever.
To anyone who reads this and still feels separation from God, pray and love and then pray some more you will find the Christ is faithful to be there as soon as he can. How much I have changed could be measured by one event. Avery old friend of mine from Okinawa found me on the Internet, We talked and he decided to come down to see us. He arrived and it was like nothing ever changed, as his wife put it "they looked like they were picking up a conversation from yesterday not 23 years ago. The truth was however I had changed my language my mannerisms and my entire way of life changed. Sadly he expected the very same person 23 years ago. But that person died in Christ and was never coming back. He asked what happened to me and I explained about the Church and he decided to go home early. sadly I have not heard from him since.
Forgive me for this long three day story but I feel how the prodigal son within us comes to himself and finds his way home is a very valuable witness. God actually does have mercy and grace in abundance and he is waiting for somebody else to come home. I pray he will find the love and forgiveness I did.
God Bless.
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