Once divorced from my first wife I began a search for God. I still had little notion of God but was now was searching all over to fill what I was beginning to feel as a hole in my heart. I began going to a Baptist Church because I had a close friend who recommended the church. I poured some time into the church even being a youth leader. I was respected at the church but it was short lived. I met a young lady who I became "active" with. However the situation was made worse as she failed to mention she was married and her husband was overseas. I did not find out about this until he came home from leave. Needless to say the end came quickly. I went several more months to this church but already had serious doubts. After a while I cried to God to send me someone to love. A week later I met my current wife we have been married for 23 years but not without serious issues.
I married my wife on May 7 1988. less than a month later I was under orders to report to a new duty assignment in Berlin Germany. I departed in June and my wife followed 2 months later in August. Berlin was a great assignment for both of us we spent four years there and were witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall as well as the reunification of East and West Germany. Early in our marriage due to her upbringing she had incredibly low self esteem. She was reliant on me to do everything. I taught her everything from cooking to laundry As well as how to set up Doctor appointments etc. However I began to resent having to work and run the entire house as my wife could not or was too insecure to do anything. Extramarital affairs would be common for the next 9 years.
Finally I was tossed out of the Army along with many others due to a draw down of military forces after the German Reunion. Everything I thought was going to be my life was erased in about 30 days. I suddenly had no future no plan and a family to support and no idea how to do it. I arrived in El Paso (where I would call home for a while). I found the job market impossible as knowing the Spanish language was essential and I had no capability to speak or understand it. So every job I found was minimum wage not able to afford a home living with my wife's parents as well as falling behind bills as well as child support my frustration continued to build very fast. However I was still feeling the hole in myself as God had not yet been found by myself and I kept believing I could fix it I needed nobody.
About 5 months later my wife's friend came to visit her Mom and ran into my wife. She told my wife how great the job market was in Tennessee and how much better the pay was. We decided to move to Tennessee and try to make a living there. Again when I got there there was not get rich quick jobs. I quickly learned there was two types of people in this environment poor and rich and you stayed where you were as many doors were closed to the wrong social class. However I took a job at a restaurant as a manager in training it did not pay allot but it was better than minimum wage. However again there was no hope of taking care of all that I needed to do to support my family and child support. We were even forced to food stamps as we were between rent,gas,utilities etc we were losing 12.00 dollars a month every month no matter what we did. My frustration grew as did my marital indiscretions. After 7 months we gave up and returned to Texas. I had confessed all the indiscretions to my wife and returned to her parents house which was very tenuous as they knew what happened also. I always considered it a miracle my wife forgave me. It showed me how much of a better person she was than I. I was in the darkest of sin and now came the long slow process to climb out.
Texas was not the friendly state anymore. Her family had been against our marriage from day 1 and now they would have justification. For me it was a living hell self made. I wished so hard to go back in time and undo all I had done but going back was impossible. However my in laws were attending a Pentecostal Church and perhaps this was what I was looking for. I never had God in my life but I was looking. I went to the Pentecostal Church and was told if I accepted Jesus all I had to do is confess my sins to him and I was heaven bound. Suddenly in my mind Jesus was a great guy I could mess up all I wanted to and I was assured heaven. Given the level sin I was lost in it was a easy way out. However after years I was still somehow unfulfilled as I could never figure out how he would ask money from some very poor people and drive a new car every year.I would not have minded so much if it was a Toyota. But a Lexus followed by a Lamborghini showed me he was in it for the money and I quickly became disenchanted.
After years of everything going badly for my family as myself. I was pleading to God to hold back his hand of punishment or at least make me the target and not let my family be punished for my sins. In October I took the test to work for the Post Office and I passed with a high score. I was hired in November to work as a Rural Mail Carrier. Finally things began to get better. Working for a better wage gave us the ability to get our own home and vehicle and furniture. How ever our credit was a disaster after many years of disastrous jobs. It was a job I enjoyed and I excelled in it. I went to work at 7am and got home around 5 pm. Having learned from my sinful past I was home with my family whenever I was not at work. Over time our Marriage became stronger and stronger and we were a close family unit. After seven years I began to have trouble with my knees. This was due to aggravating them at work as that I had already injured them in the Army.
On September 9 2009 work finally became too painful to continue. I was coming home and having to get off my feet totally after work for the rest of the evening. Finally I reported a work injury and began the long process to get a approval. I was without pay for six months, four months behind on my house, considering suicide as a way out of it. I did not know it at the time but I was severely depressed and had severe levels of anxiety. I finally got a letter they accepted my case on March 1 and was called almost as quickly by the Post Office to begin light duty on March 2. The issue was much more complicated than what ti appeared. I had allot of months to build a large grudge against the Post Office and some individuals in it. I reported to work on March 2 2010 and was immediately taunted and verbally attack. Even my own Brother In Law joined in. This had made me very angry as that I and my wife had helped them many times when they were in need. I reported the harassment and as fast as I reported it. It was swept under the rug. The only people who witnessed this were the people who taunted me and attacked me. As a basic investigation began every witness of course denied all knowledge of the incident. There was a unknown person who called District Headquarters about it but he never came forward. On March 26 I woke up and informed my wife I could not handle the attacks anymore as that now even our home was being vandalized.
With no psychological defenses due to all I had been through before I had time to form of hate that turned in to a desire to kill 5 people, I had a plan and even went out and bought the gun. Although I hate the term I was about to go "Postal". When I went for the last time to find out what was being done about my harassment case. I was told nothing could be done because of no witnesses. It made it even harder to take that the supervisor I was speaking to partied with these people who had attacked me. I was at the point of receiving death threats and getting damage done to my house as well as my vehicles on a regular basis. When the supervisor told me nothing could be done my wife who was with me said my entire face went completely blank showing no emotion and worse of all a anger in my eyes that scared the supervisor as I was told to exit off Postal Property. Soon after I was banned for life from any Postal premises. I wanted these people dead, and after having a nervous breakdown in my Doctors Office I was advised to seek professional help. It was here that things were either going to get very ugly or turn around but to me neither mattered I wanted them dead,
Part III tomorrow as the plan unfolds.
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