I cannot explain what brings people around to faith but I can tell you with me it was allot. At age 18 to 31 I had completed 13 years in the military. I had expected to do 20 years but when the draw down came and in failing health I was let go by the Army. During my time in the Army I was assigned in the Military Intelligence field. The job was easy but had two traditions. The first was that we drank. The second was that sexual promiscuity was practiced with a level of grandeur ever seen.
When you are young from your teenage years to about 25 years older (with some more with other less). You have a sense of being bullet proof and ten feet tall. Sure you know that if war began you had perhaps 30 seconds to live but inside you always felt not gonna happen to me. While stationed at my first tour of duty which was in Okinawa Japan. I had a ball but there was no thought of the sins you are committing or how much hurt you are causing Jesus. At this point in my life I knew of him but knew nothing about him. Drinking most every night and partaking in sex outside of marriage every chance I got. I was very popular there because I was of the world and living in the world.
I left Okinawa Japan with many friends some I talk to to this day and others I don't. I was then shipped off to Fort Carson Colorado. I was 21 as well as a Sergent and was exposed to a very different surrounding's. This was one of the units that if war came would be in actual combat unlike in Okinawa where we were a fixed site. The work here was to prepare for war and train to perform in that environment. One of my first problems while there was I was dumped by a girlfriend in Okinawa and rebounded so hard that seven months later I was getting married (note never do this). She by all means was a lovely girl who at first accepted the me that drank,smoked and partied with friends. However after my marriage she became just the opposite. She wanted me to stop smoking,drinking and no more parties. Her family was Pentecostal and although I met her in a bar and that she smoked and partied did not matter. She wanted me to change everything about me. However I was Army proud and resented this sudden demand for change as I believed when she said " I do not want to change you" I took it serious. Two weeks after marriage the subject of divorce came up. Despite this ominous sign we remained married and we were sent to Hawaii. It was at this time she became pregnant and left the military.
Hawaii was yet another fixed site so discipline was lax and I after having been in a different world for 18 months once again I had trouble adjusting. I was also trying to see things my wife's way. I stopped drinking and never partied so to say the least I was on the very outer ring of the popular crowd. This led to harassment and taunting that were at the least a irritation to me. To make matters worse my wife got homesick and I had to send her home 5 times. It was on the 5th time she stayed home and when I came home on leave it was constant fighting and threats of divorce. My anger got the best of me one time and I left Idaho where she was at and flew to my home in Colorado, A few days later she called and asked me to come back. I flew back up to Idaho but there was now a unspoken distance between us. My wife apparently had come to the conclusion that a child might glue our relationship together. The second child was a boy and I really loved both of my children but spent more time with my daughter as I really did not know how to interact with a infant. She had the child and soon after went home for good. I got a letter a couple of months later demanding I get out of the Army by any means possible. But by then I was dealing with much more issues that had tragic consequences.
In December 1985 it was usual that allot of people wanted to go home for the holidays however mission manning would not let everybody go home. I had a young lady in my squad whom I knew as well as her husband they were good people. She came to me and asked for leave to go home Christmas. Her husband was staying due to somebody needing to watch the house and hold down the fort. At first her leave was denied and she was told she could not go home. However she had non-refundable airplane tickets so I got involved and fought and hollered until I was blue in the face. She was given her leave and I told her I would see her after Christmas. With my wife in the states I had returned to some bad habits. Mainly these were drinking and partying. However it was no where near the level it had been before. Hawaii is a town where University kids take spring break. So it is a land of rock and roll and drinking and was definitely for the younger set. I was 24 then and was into as always my country music. I stood out like a sore thumb, so going out was very rare.I was just beginning to try to figure this religion thing out so perhaps I could return to my wife a total Pentecostal and our marriage would be saved.
CQ's mouth were horrifying. She had been killed in a auto accident in Dallas as she was headed home after a church choir performance. Although the news hit me like a ton of bricks my professionalism took over (I was on auto pilot). I asked if the Commanding Officer knew and was told no. I then called him informing him what had happened. Noe as per protocol he and a Chaplin were to go to her husbands home to provide comfort and spiritual support. What happened only made matters worse. I was told to go over there and spend time with him and make sure he was OK and in the morning I would lead the CO and the Chaplin to where they had lived. My job was finished and I returned to base and tried to sleep. Sadly a feeling was coming over me that I could not identify mainly because I was just too tired to worry about it. Three days after her death I was to deliver her Eulogy at a memorial service held for her in Hawaii. There was a knock at my door as I was informed I was 10 minutes late for this service. I get into my dress uniform and shaved etc in record time and ran for the Church. I arrived and could hear the ridicule in whispers as I walked to the stand. The whispers did not matter as I had finally found why I was so tired. I was in a deep depression and I felt responsible for her death. I fought to get her the leave and she would not have been there to die if I didn't fight to get her leave approved.
I delivered what my Commander declared the best Eulogy he had ever heard. (He even used it a month later for a friend of mine who had a massive heart attack and died during a PT test). All the whispers of ridicule disappeared also as many were moved. It came from the heart like I had never written before. I felt responsible for her death and poured my heart into this Eulogy. This also was the first time in my adult life I used Bible quotes during a speech. There were many times I would hear taps played as I got off my duty shift and silently cried to myself, even today it tugs at my heart strings very hard. It was also during this time I told my wife I was not leaving the military until my enlistment was over. I tried to explain what was going on with me at that time but I was told "I don't care". I went through the rest of my assignment on auto pilot. I did all the things I was supposed to do and even more, but inside I was dead there was almost no feeling within me. I really didn't care if I lived or died.
I was sent to my next assignment at Fort Bliss Texas and my wife and I were on different planets despite my best effort to accept her faith. However there was just something about her faith I did not feel good about and this retarded any progress made in that faith. Ft Bliss was another unit who when war came they would go to war. I from day one accepted and respected as a member of the unit. I knew what I was doing and was not afraid to call it like I saw it. I was given a squad of troops and we formed a great team that respected and even liked each other. However home was nothing like that. I was working late hours and at times worked long hours just to escape another fight. All my life I had hated to argue and fight, I had seen to much of it as my Father (a drinker at that time) and my Step Mother would fight to the point of throwing punches. I did not want any part of this type of life. I returned home one day and my wife sat on the bed I was sitting on and said "I don't think I want to be married anymore". Her Sister had just left for Idaho after a two week stay with us and I figured I was doomed no matter what. However she hung on about a week longer and I could see she was miserable. So I finally told her "I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore". She said nothing but walked outside for about 10 minutes and then stated she was going to sleep on the couch. I said OK a went to bed. about 4:30 Am I awoke and kissed my children goodbye. I did not realize at that time I would never see them again. It has been 24 years since that day I have never seen them since.
I was hoping for a friendly divorce and sadly did not get it as my now ex-wife was making my life as hard as she could. I found out some 21 years later through a e-mail that she has hidden every letter I ever wrote my children and my son was raised to believe I never wanted him. She was not alone in the reasons for the divorce I was proud and full ego. Nothing came between me and my job as I was dedicated to military service. I was 27 years old with a failed marriage and absolutely no idea except a very vague belief that if I was saved once it didn't matter what I did I was saved and going to heaven and didn't have to worry about a thing. I had fire insurance.
Part II tomorrow
* As stated there is allot of things not too like in my past. you will see more, I ask however that you understand the intent of these postings is to show just how much God can forgive and still bring you back home.
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